~12-31-04~ Happy New Year!

well, i can't believe that it has been a whole year! wow!

there are a few things that i would like to make for new year resolution's, but knowing how i never keep them, there is really no sense in making them!

the 2 that i would really like to keep are lose weight of course. i really do somehow plan on doing this. we are supposed to try for baby #2 around august, and i am NOT getting pregnant if i don't lose the weight that i gained with the first pregnancy!! so i'd love to lose 20-30 pounds. i'll be happy with 20. so i should really start now, but you know how that goes.

the other that i would love to keep, is to keep this house clean!!!!!!!!! it is so nice and clean, still, from having the families over for the holidays, at least the downstairs is. i just can't stand the mess!! and knowing that it is going to be a mess 5 minutes after i clean, just makes me put it off.

speaking of mess........how is it that i leave my husband and my child alone for an hour and my house somehow turns into a disaster?!?!?!?! i vacuumed and picked up today. we were home all day and the house looked great. i left to go get the stickers for my license, come home an hour later and i can barely see the floor! what the hell?!?!?!?!?!?!?! i've noticed the same thing when bob will get up with clay. i don't know what the hell happens when i am not around, but STOP IT!!!! if i actually had a job, and worked all day, and then came home to that.....i would seriously go insane!!

well my door is in for the most part. he has to come back and finish up some caulking and stuff. he like really fucked up part of my wall. i don't know what is going to happen there. bob said that is why we shouldn't have family do anything. so of course, i don't know if i am going to say anything or not. the bad thing is that if he does anything to fix it, it is going to need painted, which means then i am going to have to paint my whole foyer. the sort of "good" thing is that i have a stand that goes there, so you wouldn't see it anyways.

then it is a good inch or 2 higher than my previous door. which is understandable. i mean i had a big ass gap under the door where all the weather came in(we had to cut off some of the old door so it would open over the new carpet), so he had to do what he had to do to get the door even and open over the carpet, so it is nothing he did wrong, it just sucks. i tripped coming in, since i am not used to the bigger step up. so we will have to put some sort of ramp or mini step or something, so people don't go tripping in and out of my house.....meaning me!

i really wouldn't mind painting my foyer, i thought about it. the people who lived here before us, i think they just slapped some paint on the walls before they sold it. it is bad. BUT i hung border, how do you paint around that?! i mean i guess you could just be careful, the other bad thing is that it isn't straight edged border, it is scalloped, so that will be a real pain. i may just forget about the walls and just do the trim. now that i have a nice new white door, my "white" trim looks like dirty white. plus there is some framing around the door that needs painted anyways, which i would never be able to match "dirty" white. that will be much cheaper, plus i think i still have some white paint in the basement, that we hardly used.

another bitch i have is that my new windows don't have those grid thingies in the top pain. which wouldn't really be a problem, but i didn't replace the downstairs windows, which DO have the grids!!!! so no i have to see if i can at least get some for the windows that face the street so it somewhat matches....which brings another problem........when we had the house painted when we moved in, the guys painted the frame of the storm windows. so they are a hunter green, when the rest of the new windows are white.....so those need painted. not to mention the outside of the windows themselves will need painted to match the new white the rest of the house will be. work, work, work!!!! i tell ya!

oh well, enough of bitching!

did anyone see motley crue on jimmy kimmel the other night? was it just me or could you NOT hear them?!?! i mean you heard the music ok, but i couldn't hear vince singing! and does mick look like he is about 150. i mean he always looked freaky, but he looks like he could be the rest of the guy's grandfather!

oh well, tomorrow is sort of a holiday, so i don't know how many of you will be reading this anyways.....so i will end now.

if you all are headed out tomorrow night, please be safe! have a happy new year's eve!! see ya next year.

~12-29-04~ Bored

so, here i sit bored!

bob took clay to get his hair cut, which he doesn't need, but ................

and now i am sitting here in an empty house, with nothing to do. yes, there are a million things around here i could do, but nothing i want to do.

then i started thinking, what would i be doing now without clay? what was i doing 3 years ago, before clay?

and the answer........i can't even really remember my life before clay. and i can't even picture my life now without clay!!!!

it all seems terribly boring and without meaning or purpose. how did i survive without him? how was i happy without him??

it is just so amazing what a child brings to your life!

tree and clay's presents 

all those toys, and look what he goes for!! 

CHEEEESE 

new toy! 

clay and marisa 

~12-29-04~ Prayers

my heart just breaks looking at all the devastation that those tsunami's have caused.

i'm sending so many prayers out to all those effected. it is soooooo, sooooooo sad! what an unbelievable tragedy!

god be with them!!

~12-28-04~ Woohoo!!

i got my new windows!!!!!!!!!!!

i'm supposed to get my new front door tomorrow, and hopefully the rest of the siding deal shortly after!!!!

i sure can't wait til my shows come back from being repeats.....i'm going insane here!!!!!!

not too much to report, i didn't get much of a nap today, and i am sleepy!

night-night!

~12-28-04~ Birthday dinner

bob took me to dinner for my birthday tonight. i was going to go to our favorite, the golden corral, but decided on the chinese buffet. i just love that place!! mom came over and watched clay, we were only gone for about an hour though. it was nice to actually get to sit in the smoking section for a change!


not much excitement today. the night seemed to go quickly and bob went to bed around 9, so all i did all night was sit here and check out wireless networking at best buy.

i figured it would be cheaper to go out and buy the stuff instead of paying the cable company for it every month. hell i may even be able to get better reception. plus i want some sort of hook up down here in the living room so i can hook up our xbox and playstation. i want to check out the online games. what i found seems pretty expensive, but then again i'm not sure what i am paying monthly to the cable company, and i am sure in the long run it will be cheaper to buy it outright. i got a best buy gift card for christmas and a good amount of money from my grandpa, so i may put it towards that. i guess that is like the only good thing about your birthday being the same time as christmas, much money at one time!! that is the only thing, i'll tell you!!

things i am loving recently:

i love me some bacon!!!! that shit is soooooooo good! i swear i could eat it 24/7. a few years back i was going through at least a pound of bacon a week....AT LEAST! and that was even when i was skinny!

i love, love, love that holiday spice pepsi. of course i do, cause it isn't going to be around much longer. figures!!!! it still doesn't beat that red fusion, which was the best pop ever made, so of course they quit making that a while ago! fuckers!!!!!

i forgot to mention another "present" that bob got me for christmas. i'll retype it verbtum, does that even apply to a written letter?!

Merry Christmas

Jen,

Merry Christmas!! I love you!! I was going to give in and get you a little kitten for christmas, but then i thought better of it!

I thought, "I don't like cats, they are messy, and they stink!!" so, i didn't get you one.

Also, I thought, "Why would I pick out a kitten for Jennifer?! Shouldn't she pick one out for herself?"

So, the following is my grant of permission for you to obtain a kitten with only a few stipulations..... IT must be a kittne, not a cat. It must be cute. You have to stop calling Casper, Spook and start calling him Casper. And finally, you have to give the new kitten a name with substance, i.e. NOT "baby kitty" or "little kitty" or something to that effect.

Merry Christmas!!
Love,
Bob

just so you all know, everytime he would ask what i wanted for christmas i told him a kitty. i don't actually want one per se, but i feel bad for spook, being all by his self. he needs a play mate and sibling!! notice i feel bad and want one for my cat, but not for my son, go figure! haha!!

spook is a black cat, bob thought it would be funny to name his casper. i thought since he was a black cat, it was spooky, like halloween, so i call him spook.

as for the part about naming the kitten. i have a hard time with names, i want them to be meaningful, and relevant.......but it is hard, so i have had momma kitty, boy kitty, and bitch kitty. yes those were their REAL names!!!!! and they fit!!!!!

i don't know about the whole kitten thing though. i hate, hate, HATE small animals around children! i cringe just thinking about the whole thing. it makes me nervous!! i know clay will be ALL OVER it!! squeezing it, sitting on it, trying to carry it everywhere and picking it up, UGH!!!!.......i'll just be a wreck, so it may not be a good idea!!!! so i am not so sure yet if it is really going to happen or not.

oh well, i think that is all for now. catch ya later!!

~12-27-04~ WHY?!

why did my grandpa just get here??????

i just told him the other day, i was starting to put clay to sleep at 12:30!!!!!!!!!!! granted he doesn't listen when you talk, but i thought since it was about clay he might........guess not.

so now he is down there feeding clay candy! so naptime is going to be a breeze, i'm sure!!!!

i really shouldn't complain.....if anything were to happen to my grandpa and he wasn't here anylonger to come over at "bad times" i would GLADLY have naptime interuppted just for him to be here with us.

so, i guess i should just be happy he is here.

~12-27-04~ Happy birthday to me!!!!

i just checked in on my computer problem. he found some more stuff i had to delete, but i have had NO pop ups ALL NIGHT!!!!!!!!! woo-hoo!!!!!

i'm sooooooooo happy! and my computer is going soooooooooooo fast now! AND i can also access my mail again!!!!

guess that is a birthday present from "him"....even though i am going to donate to him. i was going to give them a few bucks, but i am definitely giving them $20. i don't know if that is being cheap or generous, but it i can't even really spare that, but it is well deserved! i love this guy and i don't even know him!!!! i think it is great that he helps people, and probably doesn't even get paid for it. who knows, but i love, love, LOVE him!!!!! thank you, flrman1!!!!!!!!

do you know i was actually in bed last night at 12:30am!!!!! figures, i didn't even have to get up with clay.........now it is going on 3am, and i DO have to get up with clay in the am, even worse, bob is on days, so i will be up when his alarm goes off (every freakin 9 minutes for an hour!!!!)

on that note i am off to bed!! night-night!

~12-26-04~ Merry Christmas!

i hope you all had a merry christmas, or whatever you celebrate. i hope you all were safe and happy!

boy, it has been a while since i've been here!! i finished my playstation game. i still have some stuff that i can get on and do, but that is just like doing the whole game over again, and i have a low tolerance for repeat anything. so i'm pretty much over that game already. so i am back!

now i am sitting here catching up on my soaps. i just watched like over a week of soaps!!

in other news, i have also been busting my butt on my desktop computer, trying to undo whatever the fuck bob did to it. he says it wasn't him, but i know i don't download or install anything with extra bullshit in it, and my computer was INFESTED!!!!!

i would just turn it on, not even get on the internet and i would have at least 10 pop up windows! and i even have a pop up blocker! i have run my adaware, and i have norton on, but i still had a ton of stuff on my computer. i think that we almost have it all solved.

i found this great site! and it is free!!!! they accept donations, and i will surely be giving them one once this is all solved. they have been great! they are quick to respond, and they actually speak english, so you can understand what to do. i really suggest if you have any problems or questions you check them out.

that also has been taking up my time, so hopefully that is through as well.

my get together with bob's family went well. the goose turned out ok. it was kind of tough, but good taste. everything else turned out ok too. i was too exhausted to enjoy any of it though. i was on my feet ALL day! i was beat! the only good thing about that, was that i learned for my family party the following week.

i made most of the stuff the day before. i only left the turkey and potatoes for that day. all the food that day turned out great too! not everyone i wanted to come came, but it was nice having everyone at my house. clay got to run around and do his thing, and i didn't have to worry about him getting into other peoples stuff.

it was so freaking cold here!! my party was on christmas eve. well the day before we had a horrible ice storm!!!! we woke up to NO ELECTRICITY!!!!! which meant no heat! it was freezing!! thankfully we had a bunch of running to do. that made us get up and get our butt moving so we could go where there was heat. thankfully it was on before we came home. i say thankfully cause there were still people without electricity for like 2 days after that!! i really felt for them, i don't know what we would have done!!!

lowe's is on my LAST nerve. they were already almost there, and that day they hit it! i went to pick up the christmas lights that i ordered there online a while back. last sunday someone from there called to see how my order was, i told her i didn't pick it up yet. she said she had to make sure they still had them, and she would go hold them back ( i don't know why they weren't already held back since i already paid for them), and she would call if they were out. she never called.

anyways we get to lowe's and noone can find my order. we stood there for i swear at least an hour. they supposedly checked a few times, then she said they can't find them, and that i placed the order almost a month ago. well, so the fuck what?! i don't care if i ordered them 6 months ago. i paid for the damn things, so they should be there!!! so we asked for a manager, which took about another half hour for him to show up and tell us they couldn't find them. so i was WAY pissed! he showed us what he had left, and i got 4 boxes of those, they were on sale for 75% off. so i got them for like $1.50 a box. which i was paying online anyways, but they didn't have the bigger lights i wanted. so we had to go to walmart. that was a NIGHTMARE!!!!

i found some lights i wanted and went to get in line, we were about 50 people back (NO JOKING). i was getting more and more pissed at lowe's. there was no way i could have stayed sane in that line. so we went to target. they were freaking expensive, i don't know how anyone shops there. BUT there lines were great! we check out in no time. then i look at my receipt and the girl totally screwed up, so half my lights i got for only $3.99, and they should have been $5.99 and $6.99. i don't even think she charged me for one box. so good for me!

anyways, i love the lights from lowe's. they are actually motion lights. i bought some at target and that is what i paid $3.99 (and that was a mistake) and i got them at lowe's for $1.50!!!! you know i wanted to take my ass back there today to get more, but i know bob would have killed me.

so the night before christmas eve, bob and i both fell asleep, so we didn't get the tree up, we did it on christmas eve. it looks good. like i knew, clay will not leave the bulbs on the damn thing!!

clay made out like a bandit. i just recently cleaned and found places for all his stuff, now he has all new stuff, and now have to find room for all that!!! AGH!!!!!

i got the vacuum sealer thing i wanted, and i (bob) also got a dvd surround sound thing. bob will be getting his tires whenever we get out and get them. i also got him some jammies, gloves and winter hat. i got a lot of other nice stuff as well. and everyone enjoyed there gifts, so all was well!

to make a long story somewhat short, the holiday turned out good! good food, good family!

tomorrow i turn the big 32! which is good i guess, cause the other day i told the woman at walmart i was 32, and that was after hesitation, so i could think. how sad is it when you don't know your own age!!!!

i'm sort of out of things to talk about, at least things you all would want to read about.

i'll post christmas pictures soon! take care!

~12-15-04~ Well.........

i saw my mouse today. so now i know they haven't left for the holidays, it means they are still here. which also means that what i have been dreading, is going to have to happen. we are going to have to get something to kill them. i wish i could get some sort of live traps, but then what are we supposed to do with them? put them out in the cold snow?!?! if anyone has any suggestions on non-lethal measures i'd love to hear about them!!

i'm surprised it isn't dead already! i saw my cat trying to get something under his food bowl. i thought he swatted his mild jug ring under there, so i picked it up, and there was the mouse. he, the cat, had it, but then i screamed at him and he jumped and then it, the mouse, ran under the table. i then yelled for bob, cause i didn't want it to run into the rest of the house. i didn't see where it went, but i am hoping it went back down the basement. my cat kept looking for it, so i don't know.........i just know they are in here and alive. SUCKS!!!!

i just don't get why they aren't in my cupboards or drainboards, where the food is?! not that i want them there, it is just odd, that i don't "see" evidence, poop, of them in the rest of the house. once again....not complaining! just curious.

oh well......i'm feeling a bit better. i broke down and had a cigarette last night. i got a new game from red octane, rachet and clank 3, up your arsenal. so i had to start playing it........and how can you sit and play video games all night without smoking?! i only had 2 though, and played the damn game all night, so i didn't do too bad.

my carpets got cleaned yesterday.....and today already my child has spilled pop everywhere, and then milk. why do i even try?!?!?!?! there were a few spots still on the carpet after they cleaned, and i'm gonna call him back to come deal with those, so maybe he will get the new stuff as well. i don't think they look all that better. plus i think it feels sort of stiff. i don't know, i guess i am just picky. i just wish i could have went with the more expensive guy, but what the hell do they expect you to do with all your furniture?!?!

oh well, it is lunch time.....time to kick grandpa out. i don't know why he has been coming over so late lately. i feel bad that he only gets to spend a few minutes with clay. and clay won't eat if he is here, so i don't know what is going to happen. time to go down and be mean mommy!!

if i don't play playstation all night, maybe i'll update again tonight.

~12-14-04~ Still sick

yes, i am still sick. one of the most written "cures" for bronchitis is sleep. HAHA! what is that?!

you think i would be sleeping already with the whole not smoking thing, it would keep my mind off of it, but no.........still can't get my ass to bed early, not in sickness, not in nicotine craving, nothing!!!

the whole not smoking thing really isn't that bad. the time i had pneumonia i didn't smoke for over a week. it was easy, but then again, it may be easy cause i know what it will be like if i tried to smoke while sick. even though i have done that before. smoking is real fun when you have bronchitis. i was thinking about actually quitting, but i just placed and order for cigarettes the other day, so they should be on their way to my door in a day or so, so guess it just isn't my time.

i am being good though. it isn't that bad right now, so i don't want to smoke and make it get worse. this is actually the mildest case i have ever had, which almost makes me think it is something different, but what?!

my exciting life!!! see i did't lie in my title!! :)

well my carpets are getting cleaned tomorrow. i tried to move some stuff out tonight, since i had to vaccuum a ton of cat litter up, but i kept getting winded, so fuck it! i'll save the rest til tomorrow. bob said i can sleep in tomorrow, i don't know if i am going to take him up on it or not. i really want to get everything done before the guys get here. i want them in and out, so i can put clay to bed at a semi regular time.

i was going to see if they could do my furniture too, but i figured i am already writing them a check that i don't know how is going to clear, i should add any more on to it. why would you have a business and not take credit cards?! and what is really bad, is they couldn't give me a for sure price til they get here!! well it is your own damn fault if the check bounces then dumb ass! you should take capital 1.

i really hope i am feeling better soon. the dinner is saturday, and i don't feel like dealing with people if i am not feeling good. not that bob's family aren't nice people, but some of those kids are just hyper and they drive me insane! i shouldn't have to keep checking on a 14 or 15 year old to see what the hell he is doing now!!!! and i pray that they realize that this whole deal is just for a few hours! clay's bedtime is 9, so everyone has to be out by then!!!!! on that i am not being biased, the same goes for my family...9 o'clock, bye-bye!!

well it is after 2 and i need to get my rest so i can get well, not to mention i don't have much exciting to say right now, so i'll end it here. goodnight!

~12-13-04~ I'm sick!

yes i am getting sick! it sucks, cause usually when i get sick it is bronchitis. and that is sort of what it feels like. i knew last night i was going to wake up feeling this way. so at least i was sort of prepared.

i don't think i have been sick for a while. i used to get bronchitis at LEAST twice a year. and that was before i even smoked!!!! the last time i remember having it was back in janurary/feburary 2002. and that was the first time in quite some time. it was really bad though. i even had to go to the emergency room to get a nebulizer thing so i could breath. and i was just barely pregnant, so it took forever to get something cause everyone had to make sure it was ok for the baby. anyways, then it ended up turning into pnemonia!! that was bad. i was sick with just that alone for over a week.

i do not want a repeat! i wasn't wheezy at all today, until now. of course smoking, i'm sure isn't helping it out any. but guess i should smoke away before it turns into full blown bronchitis and i can't for a few days. i sound so intelligent don't i?!

guess what else.....if you work at best buy, don't read.......i got my new printer. i LOVE it. at first i was pretty pissed cause the only one compriable to the one i had was $100 more. that is bullshit!!!! i should be replaced with something almost the same, not just given credit for what i paid to put towards a new one. plus it also pissed me off cause i paid $99 for the 3 year warranty, and now the 3 year warranties are going for $29!!! that is a huge freaking difference as well. so i was pissed and so was bob cause he was actually vocal about it and asked for the manager.

the printer was $350 and it had a $50 mail in rebate.....the manager said he would take off another $50, so we would even with the $250 we paid for the old printer. so all was well i guess.....except i am still pissed i had to fork over $50, that i don't have and now wait for the damn rebate.....and that i had to wait in line forever!!!!!

anyways, the main part of my story.........i get home and hook the printer up, finally get everything going, go to print and it DOES THE SAME EXACT THING THE OLD ONE DID. what the hell?!?!?!?!?! so then somehow it pops into my head that i locked that one button, inside the scanner, i wonder if that is the problem........YEP!!! here the button that i locked was a transportation lock, so if you are going to be moving the printer, all the parts inside don't get jumbled all over you LOCK them. so the reason it was making that noise and not working was cause it was locked!!!!!!!!!!!

so there really was NOTHING wrong with my old printer and now i got a new and better one! so i feel a bit guilty, but then again not. i spent a hell of alot of money in that store, they aren't losing out. and this is just payment for my time messing with you people!!

i'm so crazy huh?! so now i printed out a ton of pictures to put in my christmas cards, but tonight i made a little collage type thing with all the pictures and i like that a lot better. i want to put those in the cards, but i don't want the 50,000 that i already printed to go to waste! sigh...what to do, what to do?!

well, survivor kind of upset me tonight. not so much that the guy won, i didn't really mind him, and not so much the fact that twila didn't win, even though she is who i was rooting for since day 1........but it is the fact that those dumb ass broads still voted for that guy even after he TOTALLY srewed them over!!!! what the fuck are those dumb bitches thinking?!?! that just blows my mind, and it is funny i think, jeff, the host really thought so to, he asked that question a few times, and even STRESSED it more than once. dumb, dumb women!!!! like usual.

i don't think any of my shows are on this week except the finale of top model and the apprentice. them probably nothing til january! that sucks!!!! i guess it is a good thing. i have a TON of shit that needs done this week. saturday is the dinner with the inlaws. tuesday the carpets are getting scrubbed so i have to clean out all the junk from those 2 rooms!! not looking forward to that.

my house still is NOT done, as a matter of fact NO MORE work has even been done on it. granted the weather sucks, but it is only going to get worse this following week! snow, snow, snow.....and i don't even think it is going to be in the 30's!! if so, just lower 30's! it is supposed to be done before christmas.....guess we will see.

speaking of the houses. we drove by the house that i am in love with. granted it was dark, but there were a few problems. it is right on the corner of gibbs and colonial. gibbs is a bit busier street than i wanted to live one. not like the one i live on now, but i would prefer next to no through traffic!!!! and even though the lot is like 3 times what we have now, so is the house, so there is like NO yard! and what there is it is off to the side, and not really functional. so bob really is NOT into it at all!!! another cool thing is the garage has a door on each side. so you can just pull in and pull right out. i thought that was a very cool idea!!! i still love it and would love to see the inside of it. i doubt that i would go $180,000, especially where it is at.....it would be nice to get them down to $150,000!!!! i'm sure bob still wouldn't go for it. unless we got about 5-10,000 allowance for things. the roof looks kind of old, the windows look old, there is NO central air, and it has all hardwood floors (bob wants carpet) who knows what else inside needs fixed. we dont' want something like we have now where EVERYTHING needs updated and we don't have to money to do it. thank god for that hail storm!!!!!!! that is how we are getting anything at all!!!!!!!

oh well, since i am sick, i should really be getting to sleep now. lack of sleep is probably half the reason i am sick in the first place. so i'm going for now..........night!!!

~12-10-04~ More cute Clay stuff

sorry to keep going on and on.........it is a mommy thing.

but he is just amazing me lately! there is so much stuff he is doing and i don't know where or how he "learned" it.

bob and i keep our cigarettes in the fridge. i noticed the other day he was picking up the packs and saying stuff. i went over and watched him........he would pick up my cigarettes (basic ultralight 100's) and say mama's....the he would pick up bob's (regular basic) and say dada's. i know it may seem like nothing, but i just thought it was weird that he "paid that much attention" to what was bob's and what was mine.

i guess it is true that they take in sooooo much more than you realize!

then while i was cleaning the kitchen last night, he was up on his chair at the sink. agian he was saying something and pointing. it took me a while to realize he was pointing at the sink and saying hot.....WHILE he was pointing at the hot spigot. i then asked him where is the cold, and he pointed to the cold one. we did this for like a whole 10 minutes! how in the hell does he know which is hot and which is cold?!?!?!? unless my mom taught him, cause it sure wasn't bob or i.......same with the crayons. i already told you about the yellow and green, now he says purple!

it is so funny how i was always complaining that he doesn't talk and now he is just coming up with some amazing stuff out of his mouth!! haha!!!! it is just happening so fast! which means he is growing up fast!!! SIGH...SOB!!!!

~12-10-04~ Poor me!

and i do mean poor! i just got done paying bills and we have like $14 left til pay day which is a week away! i hate that!!!!!!!!

in other news.........

i was just thinking and it donned on me, that a little over a year ago, i almost died. i don't mean to make it sound so dramatic, but whenever i talk to the doctors they tell me that. i guess it still hasn't sunk in just how serious the whole situation was! well, i was going to link back to that, but hell, i haven't had my blog that long. i guess i will summerize what happened.

last november i found out that i was pregnant. it was my regular annual check (wow, that means i am late this year!) anyways, but i told her that i got my period when i was supposed to, but i never really bled. yet i still had a brownish something happening down there. so the nurse gave me a pregnancy test....negative....thank ya jesus!!!! so i went in the room and we started the exam, well not long after the nurse came back in and said that now the test was showing positive. well i about lost it right there!! well hell. so, she had some blood work done and said they would get back to me. i had to go a few days apart from each other to check the levels of whatever in my blood to make sure everything was progressing ok. it was, so they wanted to do an ultrasound to see how far along i was. so i did, and they couldn't find anything. so i had to keep doing the blood work every 2 days and go back the following week for another ultrasound (internal one at that, and i won't even go into detail!!) so after a long time, they finally found it and it was in my fallopian tube. so it was just weird everyone being all somber and sympathetic with you. i hated the whole situation. anyways, i had to talk to a doctor about my options. there were 2.

one was to have surgery to have it removed. the other was a shot that was supposed to dissolve it. so i opted for the shot, got it 2 days before thanksgiving. so i still had to go every 2 days to get the blood work to make sure it was dissolving. well it wasn't or not fast enough, i don't know, so i had to get a second shot! this second shot was the tuesday after thanksgiving. so i had to go that following friday to get more blood work. thursday night we were in taco bell drive through and i got some hideous gas pains. i always got them bad when i was pregnant, so oh well. that sucked!! friday it was a little better, mom came over to watch clay so i could go to the hospital and get my blood work done. i no sooner get in the parking garage and my belly really started hurting!! it was snowing like a bitch and the parking garage was way full so i was clear on the top a looooooong way from the elevator! i tried to get out of my car, but couldn't! fuck! what was i going to do?? i tried to call home, but apparently clay was playing with the phone cause it was off the hook. so thankfully my friend molly was home, i called her and she gave me the number to the hospital, so i could call them and tell them i was stuck in the damn parking garage! it was snowing like a bitch! i told them the vicinity was in and i even had my lights on, but i kept seeing the guy drive down every isle but the one i was in!!!!!!!! i was getting so pissed!! not to mention how helpless i felt. thank god the person parked beside me came out, and since it was snowing so hard he had to wipe off his car. i mustered all the strength i could to open the door and call out to him, and ask him to please wave down the security truck.

so he did and they finally found me. so the kid had to help me out of my car and into his pickup truck! i had to kneel on the seat cause it hurt to sit. so i get in a wheel chair and they wheel me in. now i am sweating bad!!! so bad that i think i am going to faint i am so hot and my mouth is dry as a bone! i keep asking for water, but noone will help me! i originally didn't tell anyone about the whole ectopic pregnancy thing cause i just assumed that it was gas and i would have felt stupid saying it was a big major odeal and it just be gas! so then i told them and they got shitty with me......well you should have told us that!!! fuck you!

so i get back in the room, have to tell about 50 different people the same damn thing. what is it going to change from what i told someone 5 minutes ago?!?! and i asked every one of those 50 people PLEASE for some water, but again, noone would help me! i was supposed to go pee in a cup, which was a trip to see me trying to walk, and i couldn't pee at all it hurt. i wish i was thinking cause i would have taken that damn peeless cup and drank some damn water!!!!!!!

i barely get back on the bed and i finally get a phone that i have been asking for. i finally get through to my mother and let her know what is going on. so i am waiting and waiting and waiting and am finally taken up for an ultrasound. am FREEZING!!!!!!!!!!!!! i already have like 2 or 3 blankets on me. i get up to ultrasound and they had the most wonderful things. WARM blankets. oh heaven!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

so they wheel me back down and i am in there forever by myself. the phone that i had been waiting for is wayyyyyyy over on the damn counter! my call button is nowhere in my reach! i'm about in tears and i am seriously about to scream for someone, cause at this point i didn't like being alone anymore! i really really wanted bob!!!!!!!!!!!!! so i finally get the phone to call my mom again, just as the main doctor comes in. so he proceeds to tell me i am on my way to emergency surgery because my ectopic has ruptured and i am bleeding internally. the reason my belly hurt so bad was because the whole "area" down there was filled with blood and had great pressure going on. so my mom said she already told bob and he was on his way. lord how i wanted him right that second!!!!!! so i am sort of freaking out! i have never been in the hospital, as a patient, for anything but to give birth....never a broken bone, never stitches. so we get somewhere and they proceed to tell me that they are going to put me to sleep. that is a HUGE fear i had!!!!!!!!!!! so then i started freaking and said can you please see if my husband is here so i can see him. they were so sweet and so nice and they went and got him.

all i remember is him coming in. me crying saying i was scared, and that is about it. next thing i remember is some woman telling me to open my eyes and me pleading for some damn ice chips!!!! that whole thing was just weird! i didn't like it. i also didn't like that i couldn't eat anything. i don't remember, but i think that first night i may have been able to have chicken broth. so bob hooked me up. he was also a doll and got to sleep on one of the same crappy ass chairs he got to sleep on the whole time i was in the hospital after having clay. yes, i probably could have been nice and told him to go home, but i wanted him with me. i don't know if he would have left me or not........

what also sucks is that the only pain medication they would give me is morphine, by SHOT!! at first i was like wow, morphine, you hear some shit about that. NOT! at least not what they were giving me. what also sucked is that i had this big slice through my abdomen, so i am sure you can assume how hard moving would be. and i had to roll over on my side to get this fucking shot! which didn't do shit! but of course i asked for the bitch every 4 hours or whenever i could get it. so yada, yada, yada............

i was in there for 2 days. i no longer have my left fallopian tube. i could have died. here that stupid shot that i got to dissolve the ectopic could also cause it to "explode". bob nor i remember hearing the doctor say that. cause knowing how my luck works with things, knowing that, we may have just opted to have the surgery in the first place. oh well, water under the bridge now i guess. the worst part of the whole ordeal wasn't the pain or all that, but afterwards i couldn't lift more than 10 pounds for 6-8 weeks.

which meant that i couldn't hold or pick up my child for 6-8 weeks!!!!!!! talk about torture! that was one of the hardest things i think i ever had to go through. especially since i was always the one who changed him, put him down for a nap, put him down to bed....everything!!!!!!i was so depressed! my poor mom was practiclly forced to live with us for those 6-8 weeks depending on bob's schedule! i felt bd for her, but now i also realize what you do and what you sacrifice for your children!!!! even though i may bitch about her, she is the best mom ever and has done more for me than i could ever have hoped foror expected. she is an angel!!!

there is a good thing tht came of all this. this was actually when/why clay finally started being put down for the night without being asleep already. that was a pain! so i don't know if at some level he could sense what was happening, and he adjusted wonderfully. the first night he cried for about 5 minutes, but that was it!! it was great!!

ok...enough of my sob story........poor me!

alli can say now is, thank god i am still here and in good health!!! i'm greatful for that and very thankful for everyone in my life who was there to help out....especially the insurace!! i never even got a bill!! woo-hoo! thanks to timken medical!!! i got the bills and totalled all the expense, i don't remember now what it all came to, but it was ridiculous!

enough........on to TV!!

how great was survivor tonight! i was about to go ballistic if they voted twila out! good-bye julie!! even though i really like twila, i don't think there is any way she can win. maybe if she was up against scout, but i don't see it coming down to the 2 of them. so i think that if chris makes it to the end, against anyone, that he will win, for sure! i can't believe the finale is sunday!

the apprentice wasn't all that i thought it was. i liked the final challenges last year better than this season. oh well. i think kelly is going to win.

it kind of hits me now, cause i couldn't even imagine not being here to see clay growing up. see all the new things he is learning and doing. i couldn't imagine not being a part of that!

i really need to get to bed now. hopefully it will stop raining tomorrow!!!!!!!!!! and they will come to do more to my house, which means that we won't be napping. so i should try and get my sleep now........yeah right! haha!!! see ya!

~12-9-04~ Good news for a change

at least sort of.....

bob has a chance to go to straight days. now he works swing shift midnights, afternoons, then days

there are pro's and con's for straight days. mainly the con being I HATE DAYS!!!!! like i have bitched about numerous times, is that i get up with his alarm every damn 7-9 minutes and have to yell at him til he finally gets up. it first goes off at about 6:30am!!!! so of course i never get back to bed til just when clay gets up!!! AGH!!!

so, he is planning on starting to sleep in the spare bedroom. which i sort of fell bad about, but this past week i may have figured out my sleeping problems. i just recently notriced that he SNORES!!!! so that keeps me awake. then when he is on midnights, i think i get used to having the whole bed to myself, so when days comes i'm not used to sharing the bed, or i should say sleeping on the quarter of it i get.

there are pros, like more money!!!! which will be the major factor in him taking it. also if/when we have asnother baby, i think it will be much easier on my tohave some help on a regular schedule! plus now he will get to spend more time with them.

in other sort of good news.........my printer. i called best buy and they have in their computer my service plan. then she tells me thatthey aren't going to replace it but put what i paid towards a new one. that is cool BUT my luck a compriable (how in the hell do you spell that?!) one will actually cost MORE than what i paid and i don't want to shell out any more money! also, i just bought new ink cartridges and put 2 of them in last night!!! hopefully one i pick out will take the same ink. i really hope they have something similar. the cool thing about mine is that you could make prints from negatives. and i never got to play with that yet!!!!!!!!!! was planning on it for christmas!!!

all in all, i guess i should consider all of the above good news!!! be thankful for it all, cause with my luck it all could have been opposite and much, much worse!!

~12-9-04~ ????

not much going on here to come up with a creative title.

as usual, one thing after another, i got new ink for my printer. it printed pretty crappy the other day, which is very ODD, so i was hoping that was the problem. so i go to try it out and it makes this GOD AWFUL noise, it doesn't load the paper and then i get an error message saying it needs service!! what the fuck now!!! i need to get my damn pictures printed so i can finally mail out my christmas cards! plus pictures are also going to be some gifts!!!!

so that sucks! even more so, i know i bought the service plan or whatever it is on it, i know how my luck is with electronics, but now i have NO clue where the hell the receipt is. the thing is, is that i KEEP every receipt i get, for anything! even groceries!!! but when it comes time that i need one, i can never find it! see how my luck goes! i'm going to call them tomorrow and see if they have that stuff on file somewhere in their system (best buy)....you think they would!!

so hopefully we can take it tomorrow and it won't take long to fix and get back. fingers crossed!!

since it didn't rain today i thought they would come today and finish tearing off the siding.....no! so maybe tomorrow, i just hope they come earlier enough, i hate not giving clay a nap. i didn't think he was ever going to fall asleep today!!!! i swear he was in there for at least an hour today before he finally fell asleep....i know i was out before him. i woke a little after 2 and didn't hear him, and he was put in there a little after 1. he is just starting to fight the whole thing.....well, the laying down part, but once he does lay down he is out.

speaking of clay......here are some more little tidbits on how smart and cute he is.....

remember i told you how he knows the mcdonald's commercial and when he see's the sign, he will sing the little jingle....well anyways, he was digging in the fridge and he came up to me doing the ba-ba-ba-ba-ba- thing, i look and he has a damn sauce packet for mcnuggets!! he knew it was from mcdonalds! ha!

tonight he also picked up a green crayon and goes "mama green". it took a while for it to register cause how does he know that?!?!?! then i showed him a yellow one and he said yellow. those were the only 2 colors he would say, but i was sure impressed.

another thing that i thought was cute and smart. he kept saying eat, eat. so he took me to the pantry to show me what he wanted. it was dark, so he went into the hallway, got up on the bench and turned on the hall light so we could see into the pantry. that just tripped me out as well. he is soooooo smart, and he is growing up soooooooo fast.....sigh, whimper.....

guess that is all for now. see ya tomorrow, unless i think of more tonight. night!

~12-8-04~ Oh yeah...

i forgot to tell ya'll how desperate and pathetic i am.

i got sucked in by a damn infomercial the other night!!! yes i bought THIS!! i think that is the right one. when trying to search for it, there is about 850 thousand of similar things....so who knows. if nothing else maybe i can write my own book on it and then sell it! ha!

i just need something to do from home. i've checked out a few wholesale places who really have some great products, but you actually NEED money...how the saying goes you have to SPEND money to make money is no joke!!!! so i thought about after christmas i would talk to my mom to see if she would like to invest and try something like that. you can buy a whole lot of name brand clothes for a few thousand dollars! and you only end up paying like dollars for them. hell i wouldn't even be greedy, i'd sell them for $10 a piece!!

well i thought i would tell you all that so you could laugh at me! haha! when i am like the one lady on the informercial who is making like $33,000.00 a MONTH, then who will be laughing!!!! hahahahahahaha!!!!!!!

~12-8-04~ Rain, Rain GO AWAY!!!!

some guys finally came yesterday to start ripping off my siding.

since it sounded like they were TEARING my house apart, clay did not take a nap, which meant neither did i. sigh....needless to say i fell asleep on the couch last night, therefore no post.

they only got the back of the house done, they were supposed to come back today to finish, but of course it rained. just like it has done and really hasn't quit since the work began on my house!!!! i was told my siding should be in on friday, and my sidelites on monday or tuesday. the windows are already in.........so i am really hoping that he can get it all done next week, but i am not holding my breath!!

i am getting my carpets cleaned on the 13th i can't wait. i hope that my house will finally be cat smell free!!!!!!!!!! thankfully the fleas seem to be all gone now in the basement so the litter box will be heading back down there again. the only problem with that is that, you know the saying out of sight out of mind.....yeah!! i forget about the damn thing!! i really want to start making it a daily thing to clean it out, but that never works.

so i ordered a goose for the dinner i am having for our christmas with bob's family. i was going to have it for my fmily since there were going to be more people, but knowing my family, they would not eat it anyways. so i called a bunch of butcher's to even find goose.....not so easy!!! the one place that could get it for me said it would be almost $4 a pound and they range between 10-12 pounds, which also means feeds between 10 and 12. fit of all i am not spendiung nerly $50 on a goose. secondly, there is probably going to be 4 adults and 3 kids for dinner. i'm not spending that kind of money and then throwing most of it away. so i called another place.

they too said that they could order one for me. when asked how much it cost, they didn't know. how the hell am i supposed to order something and not know how much i am paying?!?! so she finally told bob that it shouldn't be more than $2.29 a pound, much better than the almost $4. she also said i could get a 7 pounder, which is also better. so i ordered it. i also got 18 pounds of turkey breast. i am also going to make a turkey roll that i saw in a magazine. it looks really good.

i'm just at a loss to make for bob's family. i don't want to make all that i am for my family since there isn't going to be as many people. i was going to make this shell stuff that we make, sort of like lasagne but with shells and it all mixed together, it is sooooooooooooooooo good! never mind what we call it, shell shit.

anyways i figured i would make the goose and a small turkey roll for bob's family. also maybe a small lasagne. also maybe cheesy potatoes, and corn casserole. i hate not making more, but i fear it would be a big waste. of course i will have cookies and some dessert.

for my family i am making the major part of the turkey roll, the shell shit and at bj's they have wedding soup in a box. granted it is not nearly as good as real wedding soup, but it isn't too bad...so i figured i would make up a big batch of that too. or course salad, even though i don't eat it.....i am also going to make mashed potatoes with red potatoes with some of the skins still on. i have marked in a cookbook a broccolli and cauliflower casserole, and some other good vegetable concoctions i have to decide on, and cressant rolls. my aunt makes homeade rolls, so those really can't be beat, and i won't have to time to do it, and we more than likely will have them the next day on christmas, so i'm just going for the easy tubed cressant rolls. i'd also like to come up with some easy good deserts aside from christmas cookies.

so at least i know basically what i am making, and i got most of the stuff to make everything while we were at bj's. now the major thing i have to do is CLEAN my house!!! i have all the christmas gifts wrapped......and i won't do the major decorating til the night before christmas eve.

i was all excited cause my mom told me my aunt had a orelit christmas tree for sale for $50, did i already tell you all that?? i think i did. anyways we decided to go ahead and do that. much better than digging through ours checking for mouse poop. i talked to my mom today and she goes, "you know you won't be getting the tree til after christmas, don't you?" well WHAT THE FUCK?!?!? THAT TOTALLY DEFEATS THE PURPOSE!!!!! i guess my aunt wasn't going to put it up, then they decided to. so i told my mom to forget it then, and she goes, well i already told her you wanted it.........well hello?!?! that is cause i thought i was getting it for THIS christmas!!!! i'm pissed! i was really looking forward to it. especially since bob is working afternoons that week, so I am going to be the one putting it up. it would be nice to have a tree i would only have to decorate, not put together!!!!!!! DAMN IT!!! so hell, that means sometime soon we are going to have to go in the basement and check everything out. and of course the days and weeks are just going to fly by since i have so much to do before the 24th!!!!

again i found a house that i TOTALLY want!!!!!!!!!! i LOVE it!! i want it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! there are a few things that bob doesn't like about it, but i think i could get around it. i was going to call a realtor and some mortgage companies to check things out, but then i look around this house and there is NO WAY that this house is going to be presentable to sell any time soon(if ever)!!!! sigh!!!! but i love it!! and want it!!!!

so that is one more thing for my brain to keep thinking about and getting me depressed. i keep telling myself that something just as nice or even better will be available when we are ready!!!! fingers crossed!!!!!!

so did you all see the amazing race tonight?! i was sooooooooooooo happy that it was a non elimination round!! of course my 2 favorite teams were the last 2. i was bawling!! i was so happy when he said that they weren't eliminated!! i didn't get to watch the biggest loser yet. that billionaire show again did NOT impress me tonight! dog the bounty hunter, on the other hand, was as good as always!

the cookies that i made the other day lasted about a day....SERIOUSLY!!! so i made a double batch tonight. but i made them bigger than last time, so there still looks like not very many. especially when there are 2 people in this house that can go through some cookies!!! a double back made about 8 dozen halves, so 4 dozen sandwiches. maybe these will last 2 days! haha!!

well i don't think i have anything more to talk about.....so i'm outta here!

~12-6-04~ Finally!

finally got the laptop back! yeah! or not.......i totally fuckered it up bad!!!!

since it is a hp, they, hp, install something directly on the hard drive to restore the computer when it screws up....you are supposed to hit f8 or something....too little too late now!!

so what did i do?! i put in my GATEWAY disc to try and restore windows, who knew what a grave error i was making!!! well, here the gateway disc installed files OVER all the hp files, so anything and everything hp was GONE!!

so i had to pay $65 to reinstall windows, but now i have none of the programs or software that came with the hp. why would they not give you an actual restore disc in case dumb asses like me totally screw up everything else?!

the guy at the computer shop said he installed something that i should be able to burn cd's and that i should be able to watch dvd's through media player. i also checked out hp's site and they may have all the drivers that i need to reinstall all that i lost.

worse than all of that i lost all of my favorites!!!!!!!! all the blogs i read, all the game sites i liked, all the neat sites i found. everything GONE!!! luckily i had a few of my most visited blogs saved on my regular comptuer, but i am missing some that i did enjoy as well. sigh!!! fucking computers. actually fucking me!!! why i didn't get on the working computer and visit hp's site to try and trouble shoot my computer before actually doing something is beyond me
?!?! no i know....cause i am a lazy bitch! i didn't want to get out of bed to try and find a solution. i wanted to lay in bed and try and fix it myself. i'm soooooooo brilliant!!

so anyways, hopefully now i can get back to posting on a regular basis.

clay made out like a bandit tonight!! we did his christmas shopping. so now i am officially done! well i still have to get mom's spa gift certificate, but at least i know what i am getting her. i may get a few more things for clay too, but the main things i wanted i got tonight. we are already taking back 2 things i got, but i'm sure we will find something cooler and more than likely more expensive!! i'm sooooooooooo excited for christmas!!! i don't ever remember looking forward to it so much.......well sort of. let me explain....

friday i was feeling festive, bob was working, so i figured it would be fun for clay and i to do a bit of decorating (remember i am saving the tree for christms eve) so i go down and dig through some stuff. and i see shit all over. yes, SHIT LITTERALLY!! mouse shit to be exact. and it is all over my freaking christmas stuff!!!!!!!!!!!! so i am way beyond pissed! i really didn't want to be digging around in mice's bathrooms!!!! but i really didn't want to throw ALL of my decorations out! so i was all icked out. i got the lights i wanted and the garland. they weren't bad. i'm pretty pissed cause the bag that had my nativity scene, i think was used as an actual stable for mice!! that was just awful, so i had to throw it out. i went back down, moved some stuff and found that the christmas tree box (the one mom gave me and the one i have been using) , under the basement window (with some hole in the sill) was covered and i mean COVERED in poop!!!!!!!!!!! this more than likely means that that the tree and everything in the box is surely covered in poop as well. it breaks my heart to throw it out, but even if bob takes it out to shake out or whatever, i am still going to be freaked out about it!!! we do have 2 more trees down there. i really like bob's tree, but it is sort of a pain in the ass to put together. my mom told me tonight that my aunt has a 7ft prelit for sale for $50. i may consider that. even though i hate spending the money since i already have 2 in the basement!!!! so i don't know. i told her i'd let her know tomorrow.

on a good note, at least i went down there and found all this out before christmas eve!!!!

i hate old navy commercials!!!!!!!!!!!!! and these christmas ones are even worse than usual! i think i subconsciously don't shop there because of the commercials!!!!!!!!

speaking of subconsious, well not really subconsious, but subliminal. i know i wrote it before, but i am still more certain that geico has subliminal messages in their commercials. every since clay was a baby, he was enamored by those commercials. i mean as soon as the commercial would start he would stop and stare at the tv. now my child will should out "geko" evertime the commercials come on....even the ones without the damn lizard!!!!

the same goes for mcdonalds. a commercial will start and he will go "ba ba ba ba", you know they little sing song thing that goes on at the end, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, i'm lovin it.

so i am positive the messages are there!

i really wanted to dicuss my shows from last week, but for the life of me at this second i can't even recall any of them. what the hell?! maybe once i start typing it will come to me....

EXTREME MAKEOVER-HOME: good as usual! i am still amazed at what the do! it is such a great show! so heartfelt and inspiring! like usual, i went through some kleenex!!! can you imagne someone taking your child away saying that you abuse him?!?!?! i feel so awful for that family!!!! what an adorable little boy and i am glad they made life so much easier for that family!!

FEAR FACTOR: that one broad was ridiculous!!!!! how in the hell did she quit both stunts!?! what the fuck?! i know joe was pissed! hell, i was pissed!! i know her friend was livid as well! what a dingy ass bitch!!!! i was also happy that the girls beat the guys!!

THE SWAN: how pretty did that army girl turn out! i thought she looked great!!! the other girl looked good too, i hated listening to her talk, but that only goes with getting a new mouth full of teeth!

for some reason i haven't been watching trading spouses, i don't know why?! what the hell else has been on?

on mondays i also watch american chopper and how clean is your house. those are about the same, cool bikes, disgusting houses (which make me feel much better about my own!!)

THE BIGGEST LOSER: i can't stand that jewish? new yorker? guy! god he irritates me!!! i wish they would have voted his ass off!!!! i'm still just amazed at how much these people have lost/are losing. i love to have those trainers for a week!!!!

BILLIONAIRE: i thought it was kind of lame this week. i can't even remember what the tasks were, but i thought the final challange was dumb! how in the hell does sining in front of a huge crowd or being naked in front of a huge crowd compare with climbing up a hot air balloon, or flying upside down on the outside of a plane!!!??? i mean yeah, it is fear and it would be scary, but still........

THE AMAZING RACE: love this show!!!!! hate that asshole guy and the wrestler broad!!! i felt so sorry for the sisters! i mean what are the statistics that that girl would go through over 100 hay bails for over 8 HOURS and not find a damn clue!!!!!!!! i wish they would have said if she actually got a few and just didn't see them. that was just ridiculous! i felt awful for the girl. when it seemed like the others came and got it in their 2nd bail, i would have died!!!!

we didn't watch dog the bounty hunter yet. so can't comment on that.

LOST: what a weird show! it is so captivating, and i don't know why. probably cause you just want to find out what the hell is going on and how they are finally going to get off the damn island! and STILL.....where are the monsters?!

i didn't get to tape that 70's show, i can only tape 2 things at a time, but i have to be watching 1 of them. i forgot and i watched the special apprentice they had on, so 70's didn't get taped. better that than lost, i would have been pissed!!!!

WIFE SWAP: funny! that motorcycle guy was a trip! and that hippie lady fit with him just fine! what a funny show! i felt bad for the hippie guy. that family just was not going to cooperate with him even though he did them a HUGE favor! i mean yeah the guy was weird and would have got on my nerves, but i just don't know how people can be so rude to others. the change is for a week people! DAMN! deal with it!

is that nanny show on wednesday's?? we didn't watch that yet either. it kind of irritates me. i actually get stressed watching it. and it honestly makes me want to have NO MORE children. not that i would let my kids get that bad, but you never know!!!! scary! yes it all turns out in the end, but i wouldn't have the nanny to come help me!!

SURVIVOR: thank god the women finally got smart last week when they totally dogged leann and ami, by booting leann!!!! that was soooooooooooooooooo great! and i was soooooooooo happy that eliza kept with the program and got rid of ami. i would have went through the tv and strangled her if she would have voted out scout!!!!! my fave is still twila. she just tells it like it is and doesn't take shit from anyone. since she is my fave i can't believe she has made it so far....now with that said she will probably be voted out next week. I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT THE FINALE IS SUNDAY!!!! ALREADY!!

APPRENTICE: what a trip! i still can't get over ivana dropping her skirt! too funny!! i like her!! i was sad to see her go. i thought it was ironic that trump said he didn't hire strippers.....funny this months maxin (or fhm or stuff, don't remember which one) has about 5 of the girls from the show on the cover and inside. and they have a lot less on than ivana did. that one broad who is on the team with jenn is one of them, so i am assuming she is to get fired next week. or maybe she became a stripper after she got hired?? guess we will find out in a few more episodes. he is getting rid of 2 next week, so we will find out who the final 2 are thursday.

ER: was awful like usual. i hope they are going to follow up on the story about the boy and his father. what an awful decision for a 15 year old, or anyone really, to have to make. from the previews next weeks episode looks like christmas, so i am assuming that it is the last one until next year.

TOP MODEL: yes, i watch this show. i just checked out a rerun on friday once since nothing else was on, and got hooked. i can't stand yaya or amanda. i like eva, even though noone else does. i think she is the prettiest. actually i think the prettiest was the "over-weight" one.

i still haven't watched joan of arcadia. i have the past 2 weeks (i don't think it was on last friday) on the dvr, so i have to watch those eventually.

well, i am sure there is more i wanted to bitch/talk about, but i can't remember, and this is long as hell anyways. so, i'll end it here! night!

~12-4-04~ Forget the last post...totally!

well now that i just wrote the ode to my husband, i should have known he was going to do something to piss me off and which i never would have written the previous post!!!!!
i just don't see if he loves me why he does shit to upset me!!!!!!!!!!!! i could totally see if there was something mentally wrong with him, but there is NOT!!! as a matter of fact he is pretty darn smart, so why does he do stupid shit?!?!?! yes, i know he is a man, but i am tired of that excuse!!!!!!!

he had my checking account over drawn AGAIN!!!!!!! what is this, like the 20th time.....THIS YEAR!!!!!! IN THE PAST FEW MONTHS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

so last weekend we had to rush to the bank so i could deposit money to get it positive (key charges you like $30 every 3 days that it is overdrawn) so i was relaxed everything was taken care of. so i keep getting the damn things in the mail telling me i am overdrawn. i thought they were sent out before i deposited the money. so i get on the puter thursday night and find out i am still over drawn and got another fucking $30!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i don't know when he did it, but he used the fucking card (it was posted to the account the same day, i don't know when he used it) the same day i deposited the money to cover the overdraft!!!!!!!!! so i was back to being -$almost 80!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! so i gave him the check book yesterday and told him to go put $80 in the account to cover my overage. so i get online last night and it still shows my account -$12!! what the fuck?!? so i asked him today how much he deposited in my account. he doesn't remember. HUH?!?! it was yesterday!!!! then he tells me he wrote the check for $100 and took out $20. well why the hell is it showing me being negative $12?!? of course when i looked last night, they still weren't posted on the account. soooooooo.......

i just checked my account.....he deposited $120 (what happened to $80 like i TOLD him) guess that is my fault for not writing the check out myself.......so, he deposited $120, took out $40 and for some reason the same day took out another $20. WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?!?! DO THE GOD DAMNED MATH!!!! i was -80, you put in 120, which brought me to positive 40, so why the hell would you take out 60 fucking dollars?!?!?!

this is the shit i have to decide if i can live with folks!!!!!!!! after all the nice things i said about him previously does this override them, or do the positive over ride the bad. i don't know cause when he does shit like this i just want to fucking strangle him and get the hell out of here. that is NOT the role model i want for my child. and now i have to think of what is best for my son, not myself.

not to mention he always does shit like this around the holidays. every freaking christmas i shit you not. he does something totally fucking stupid to piss me off to no end every fucking holiday!!!! i'm so sick of waiting and wondering when he is going to do something like this again. i already feel bad that the guy doesn't have his own money or credit cards, but look what he does with what i do give him. how could i just give him free reign with his own. and yes i tried, he got a credit card of his own a while back......right around mothers day. he had the whole thing charged up in less than a month, and there sure wasn't a mothers day gift on there!!!!!!!! it was all stupid shit, mostly beer!!!!!!! so see, i am not being a controlling bitch, i have tried, and i get fucked everytime i try to give him some sort of responsibility with money.

ok i need to quit, i am just too mad, and i am sure you have heard all of this before, cause i live it ALL the time!!

i am so tired of it all.

~12-3-04~ Ode to Bob

i've been doing some thinking and soul serching bout my husband lately. i don't know what all of a sudden brought it on, i don't know if it is the holiday season or just him being clay's father, but anyways.......

i was really thinking about what a special person he is. even though our relationship has changed over the past 11 years, there is still a great deal of love there, even if it is not really apparent all the time.

i was thinking about some of my past relationships and i think i finally realized that in some aspects they "seemed" better because, 1. i was a lot younger, 2. i was a lot dumber and 3. most of the hopes and dreams that i had for the relationship, and the future that i saw, was all IN MY HEAD. it was basically all a dream, a dream we all have of the perfect relationship. in reality though, that rarely ever happens. life and relationships never turn out how you once thought they would.

my last relationship before i got back with bob seemed perfect, while it was happening, but looking back, it was anything but. maybe it was because it was still "new" or whatever, but when i think about it, i wasn't ME, and what he wanted wasn't the real me. which also led me to think of other "relationships" that i had. they always wanted me, but me to be what they wanted not what i wanted. i know that sounds confusing. for an example, when having a discussion with one of he "ex's" a while back, i asked why we never went any further in our relationship. he commented that i didn't want to work. well so what?! if you liked me, we got along, enjoyed each other what did it matter?!?! but that is his perogotive, cause i must say, if i was looking for a guy he would definitely need to work, so i wasn't offended or regretful at all. that is who i was...am, and i wasn't changing that for anyone.

so that made me think of bob. we have both been through hard and bad times with each other. we both hurt each other bad before. but even when we were apart, i could never picture a time without him in my life....that eventually led to the downfall of my then relationship, but bob was a big part of my life, a friend, and that is who I was...am.....and i wasn't chaning for anyone.
i know in relationships you must make compromises, and i admit that i am not really good in that department. but compromises shouldn't change who you are. and in making those compromsises you shouldn't hold contempt for the person who made you compromise. you should compromise and be happy in your decision, you should compromise because you love the person, you want to make it work, and it is what is best for you and your relationship.
anyways, back to bob. as far back as i can remember, he has never asked me to change myself. he never was unhappy with anything about me. he always has loved me and wanted to be with me. even though i think that level of love and commitment has changed lately, i still believe it is still there strong as ever.

the regret i have is that we aren't all lovey dovey, huggy kissy, disgustingly sappy, all over each other in love. i don't know if that just fades after a while or what. i mean all the married people i know, well, my friends, are the same way. so at least i know it just isn't me. i don't know if you can get that back or what. i miss that and i want it back!!

i know we have some differences and problems lately. and i think that is what may be keeping all the huggy kissy stuff from being there. but even though all the physical stuff may not be there right now, the love still is.

i totally love him! and want him in my life forever. i can't even picture a life without him. so even through all his faults and what not, i am happy that he loves me for who i am, and accepts me for who i am.....that just makes me love him even more!!

~12-3-04~ I suck!

i know i have sucked at updating lately, but i am *supposed* to get my laptop back today, which means i can regain my sanity, well that which i had.

so hopefully i'll be able to post for you all later!!

fingers crossed!!!!

~12-1-04~ it's all over

sob, sob

the rumor turned out to be true!!!!!! my guy ken, lost on jeopardy last night!!!

it really sucks!! that broad did not deserve to win. she just got lucky that he happened to miss both daily doubles that he attempted! and even more surprisingly the final jeopardy question. at least it could have been to someone who really gave him a run for his money the whole show.

yes, i am pissed!!!! hell, i don't even feel like watching jeopardy any longer!