~12-10-04~ Poor me!

and i do mean poor! i just got done paying bills and we have like $14 left til pay day which is a week away! i hate that!!!!!!!!

in other news.........

i was just thinking and it donned on me, that a little over a year ago, i almost died. i don't mean to make it sound so dramatic, but whenever i talk to the doctors they tell me that. i guess it still hasn't sunk in just how serious the whole situation was! well, i was going to link back to that, but hell, i haven't had my blog that long. i guess i will summerize what happened.

last november i found out that i was pregnant. it was my regular annual check (wow, that means i am late this year!) anyways, but i told her that i got my period when i was supposed to, but i never really bled. yet i still had a brownish something happening down there. so the nurse gave me a pregnancy test....negative....thank ya jesus!!!! so i went in the room and we started the exam, well not long after the nurse came back in and said that now the test was showing positive. well i about lost it right there!! well hell. so, she had some blood work done and said they would get back to me. i had to go a few days apart from each other to check the levels of whatever in my blood to make sure everything was progressing ok. it was, so they wanted to do an ultrasound to see how far along i was. so i did, and they couldn't find anything. so i had to keep doing the blood work every 2 days and go back the following week for another ultrasound (internal one at that, and i won't even go into detail!!) so after a long time, they finally found it and it was in my fallopian tube. so it was just weird everyone being all somber and sympathetic with you. i hated the whole situation. anyways, i had to talk to a doctor about my options. there were 2.

one was to have surgery to have it removed. the other was a shot that was supposed to dissolve it. so i opted for the shot, got it 2 days before thanksgiving. so i still had to go every 2 days to get the blood work to make sure it was dissolving. well it wasn't or not fast enough, i don't know, so i had to get a second shot! this second shot was the tuesday after thanksgiving. so i had to go that following friday to get more blood work. thursday night we were in taco bell drive through and i got some hideous gas pains. i always got them bad when i was pregnant, so oh well. that sucked!! friday it was a little better, mom came over to watch clay so i could go to the hospital and get my blood work done. i no sooner get in the parking garage and my belly really started hurting!! it was snowing like a bitch and the parking garage was way full so i was clear on the top a looooooong way from the elevator! i tried to get out of my car, but couldn't! fuck! what was i going to do?? i tried to call home, but apparently clay was playing with the phone cause it was off the hook. so thankfully my friend molly was home, i called her and she gave me the number to the hospital, so i could call them and tell them i was stuck in the damn parking garage! it was snowing like a bitch! i told them the vicinity was in and i even had my lights on, but i kept seeing the guy drive down every isle but the one i was in!!!!!!!! i was getting so pissed!! not to mention how helpless i felt. thank god the person parked beside me came out, and since it was snowing so hard he had to wipe off his car. i mustered all the strength i could to open the door and call out to him, and ask him to please wave down the security truck.

so he did and they finally found me. so the kid had to help me out of my car and into his pickup truck! i had to kneel on the seat cause it hurt to sit. so i get in a wheel chair and they wheel me in. now i am sweating bad!!! so bad that i think i am going to faint i am so hot and my mouth is dry as a bone! i keep asking for water, but noone will help me! i originally didn't tell anyone about the whole ectopic pregnancy thing cause i just assumed that it was gas and i would have felt stupid saying it was a big major odeal and it just be gas! so then i told them and they got shitty with me......well you should have told us that!!! fuck you!

so i get back in the room, have to tell about 50 different people the same damn thing. what is it going to change from what i told someone 5 minutes ago?!?! and i asked every one of those 50 people PLEASE for some water, but again, noone would help me! i was supposed to go pee in a cup, which was a trip to see me trying to walk, and i couldn't pee at all it hurt. i wish i was thinking cause i would have taken that damn peeless cup and drank some damn water!!!!!!!

i barely get back on the bed and i finally get a phone that i have been asking for. i finally get through to my mother and let her know what is going on. so i am waiting and waiting and waiting and am finally taken up for an ultrasound. am FREEZING!!!!!!!!!!!!! i already have like 2 or 3 blankets on me. i get up to ultrasound and they had the most wonderful things. WARM blankets. oh heaven!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

so they wheel me back down and i am in there forever by myself. the phone that i had been waiting for is wayyyyyyy over on the damn counter! my call button is nowhere in my reach! i'm about in tears and i am seriously about to scream for someone, cause at this point i didn't like being alone anymore! i really really wanted bob!!!!!!!!!!!!! so i finally get the phone to call my mom again, just as the main doctor comes in. so he proceeds to tell me i am on my way to emergency surgery because my ectopic has ruptured and i am bleeding internally. the reason my belly hurt so bad was because the whole "area" down there was filled with blood and had great pressure going on. so my mom said she already told bob and he was on his way. lord how i wanted him right that second!!!!!! so i am sort of freaking out! i have never been in the hospital, as a patient, for anything but to give birth....never a broken bone, never stitches. so we get somewhere and they proceed to tell me that they are going to put me to sleep. that is a HUGE fear i had!!!!!!!!!!! so then i started freaking and said can you please see if my husband is here so i can see him. they were so sweet and so nice and they went and got him.

all i remember is him coming in. me crying saying i was scared, and that is about it. next thing i remember is some woman telling me to open my eyes and me pleading for some damn ice chips!!!! that whole thing was just weird! i didn't like it. i also didn't like that i couldn't eat anything. i don't remember, but i think that first night i may have been able to have chicken broth. so bob hooked me up. he was also a doll and got to sleep on one of the same crappy ass chairs he got to sleep on the whole time i was in the hospital after having clay. yes, i probably could have been nice and told him to go home, but i wanted him with me. i don't know if he would have left me or not........

what also sucks is that the only pain medication they would give me is morphine, by SHOT!! at first i was like wow, morphine, you hear some shit about that. NOT! at least not what they were giving me. what also sucked is that i had this big slice through my abdomen, so i am sure you can assume how hard moving would be. and i had to roll over on my side to get this fucking shot! which didn't do shit! but of course i asked for the bitch every 4 hours or whenever i could get it. so yada, yada, yada............

i was in there for 2 days. i no longer have my left fallopian tube. i could have died. here that stupid shot that i got to dissolve the ectopic could also cause it to "explode". bob nor i remember hearing the doctor say that. cause knowing how my luck works with things, knowing that, we may have just opted to have the surgery in the first place. oh well, water under the bridge now i guess. the worst part of the whole ordeal wasn't the pain or all that, but afterwards i couldn't lift more than 10 pounds for 6-8 weeks.

which meant that i couldn't hold or pick up my child for 6-8 weeks!!!!!!! talk about torture! that was one of the hardest things i think i ever had to go through. especially since i was always the one who changed him, put him down for a nap, put him down to bed....everything!!!!!!i was so depressed! my poor mom was practiclly forced to live with us for those 6-8 weeks depending on bob's schedule! i felt bd for her, but now i also realize what you do and what you sacrifice for your children!!!! even though i may bitch about her, she is the best mom ever and has done more for me than i could ever have hoped foror expected. she is an angel!!!

there is a good thing tht came of all this. this was actually when/why clay finally started being put down for the night without being asleep already. that was a pain! so i don't know if at some level he could sense what was happening, and he adjusted wonderfully. the first night he cried for about 5 minutes, but that was it!! it was great!!

ok...enough of my sob story........poor me!

alli can say now is, thank god i am still here and in good health!!! i'm greatful for that and very thankful for everyone in my life who was there to help out....especially the insurace!! i never even got a bill!! woo-hoo! thanks to timken medical!!! i got the bills and totalled all the expense, i don't remember now what it all came to, but it was ridiculous!

enough........on to TV!!

how great was survivor tonight! i was about to go ballistic if they voted twila out! good-bye julie!! even though i really like twila, i don't think there is any way she can win. maybe if she was up against scout, but i don't see it coming down to the 2 of them. so i think that if chris makes it to the end, against anyone, that he will win, for sure! i can't believe the finale is sunday!

the apprentice wasn't all that i thought it was. i liked the final challenges last year better than this season. oh well. i think kelly is going to win.

it kind of hits me now, cause i couldn't even imagine not being here to see clay growing up. see all the new things he is learning and doing. i couldn't imagine not being a part of that!

i really need to get to bed now. hopefully it will stop raining tomorrow!!!!!!!!!! and they will come to do more to my house, which means that we won't be napping. so i should try and get my sleep now........yeah right! haha!!! see ya!