~12-3-04~ Ode to Bob

i've been doing some thinking and soul serching bout my husband lately. i don't know what all of a sudden brought it on, i don't know if it is the holiday season or just him being clay's father, but anyways.......

i was really thinking about what a special person he is. even though our relationship has changed over the past 11 years, there is still a great deal of love there, even if it is not really apparent all the time.

i was thinking about some of my past relationships and i think i finally realized that in some aspects they "seemed" better because, 1. i was a lot younger, 2. i was a lot dumber and 3. most of the hopes and dreams that i had for the relationship, and the future that i saw, was all IN MY HEAD. it was basically all a dream, a dream we all have of the perfect relationship. in reality though, that rarely ever happens. life and relationships never turn out how you once thought they would.

my last relationship before i got back with bob seemed perfect, while it was happening, but looking back, it was anything but. maybe it was because it was still "new" or whatever, but when i think about it, i wasn't ME, and what he wanted wasn't the real me. which also led me to think of other "relationships" that i had. they always wanted me, but me to be what they wanted not what i wanted. i know that sounds confusing. for an example, when having a discussion with one of he "ex's" a while back, i asked why we never went any further in our relationship. he commented that i didn't want to work. well so what?! if you liked me, we got along, enjoyed each other what did it matter?!?! but that is his perogotive, cause i must say, if i was looking for a guy he would definitely need to work, so i wasn't offended or regretful at all. that is who i was...am, and i wasn't changing that for anyone.

so that made me think of bob. we have both been through hard and bad times with each other. we both hurt each other bad before. but even when we were apart, i could never picture a time without him in my life....that eventually led to the downfall of my then relationship, but bob was a big part of my life, a friend, and that is who I was...am.....and i wasn't chaning for anyone.
i know in relationships you must make compromises, and i admit that i am not really good in that department. but compromises shouldn't change who you are. and in making those compromsises you shouldn't hold contempt for the person who made you compromise. you should compromise and be happy in your decision, you should compromise because you love the person, you want to make it work, and it is what is best for you and your relationship.
anyways, back to bob. as far back as i can remember, he has never asked me to change myself. he never was unhappy with anything about me. he always has loved me and wanted to be with me. even though i think that level of love and commitment has changed lately, i still believe it is still there strong as ever.

the regret i have is that we aren't all lovey dovey, huggy kissy, disgustingly sappy, all over each other in love. i don't know if that just fades after a while or what. i mean all the married people i know, well, my friends, are the same way. so at least i know it just isn't me. i don't know if you can get that back or what. i miss that and i want it back!!

i know we have some differences and problems lately. and i think that is what may be keeping all the huggy kissy stuff from being there. but even though all the physical stuff may not be there right now, the love still is.

i totally love him! and want him in my life forever. i can't even picture a life without him. so even through all his faults and what not, i am happy that he loves me for who i am, and accepts me for who i am.....that just makes me love him even more!!