~1-4-05~ Update, tv stuff, clay stuff....

well, he read the letter....this afternoon after work. apparently he didn't even go to the bathroom this morning to see it hanging on the mirror. at least he finally read it.

he came down afterwards and apologized again. and also asked if there were any way to make up for it. i said, no, cause really there isn't. he said he never realized some of the stuff that i wrote about, and that he definitely meant what he said about this being a new year for us, and a year to make the best yet.

he also said he realized some stuff about clay that he didn't think about til he read it. he said that he always thought that loving clay as much as possible was being the best father he could be. now he realizes that there are other things that he must do to also be a great father.

i know he wants to be. i know he is not a bad father or a bad husband. i just know that he can be so much more!! not only for me, but for him. he could be much happier in his life as well.

not to defend his actions, but to give some background.....his father passed away when he was about 5. he developed brain cancer. i guess around that time his father started drinking heavily and was very violent and mean to his mother. after he passed away, i think they went and lived with some family. then not too long after his mother met ed, his current step father. ed was a truck driver and drove all over. well his mother sent the kids to live with some other family and she went out on the road with ed. i'm really not sure how long of a period this all took place over, but i do attribute it to how bob is today. that is why i am not the greatest fan of his mother. she is a very sweet lady, don't get me wrong, but i just know that i have been dealing with the problems of her son, for many years now, and i am SURE they are all from his upbringing.

i think bob may have felt abandoned. if not outright, then subconsiously. i think that is why at the beginning of our relationship he was so clingy. even after i moved out in 1999, he was psycho about letting me go. i think i was the only stable thing in his life for some time. i also think that i was the only real mother figure that he had for a period of time. i'm sure his mom did the motherly things, but i don't think he accepted that, cause he was upset with her being with ed. he never really got along with ed, until a few years ago.

so sometimes i think just as i feel like i am his mother, he may too, so he becomes "rebelious". he also never had the loving and stable family to really know how to do it and live it. sometimes i feel bad, since i have never lived his situation it is easy for me to say, well you know now........you are an adult now, deal with it......etc. i had a wonderful childhood! i had wonderful loving parents! i would not change a thing about it (except when i didn't get along with my mother there for a while). he didn't. so his experiences have shaped who he is today, and sometimes that is hard to change and overcome.

i know he loves me. i know some of the things he does, makes that terribly hard to see or believe, but i know he does. he doesn't have to stay with me. he could always tell me to get out and do what he wants, no bitching. but he doesn't. he never had to take me back. after i left, he could have finally let go (he did, until i called him back) and said sorry, you had your shot. but he didn't, he took me back. we have both hurt each other so much, but there was always something bringing us back together. (that is why for our wedding song i picked still the one, by shania twain).

he has done some incredible wonderful, romantic, and loving things for me. this is the guy, who if it is midnight, and 10 feet of snow on the ground, i say i want chocolate ice cream, he will go try and find the ice cream!!! i'm not exaggerating!!!!!! he would in a heart beat! and not with me asking, him volunteering!

and as my mother always tells me, not many men would hand over their whole pay check and not expect anything in return. he lets me be me (read, the boss). and i know there aren't too many men who would go for that. i've said it before. he loves me for me. and lets me be me. sometimes he just fucks up! ha!! royally!!!

i really hope that my letter has got through to him. i really do. like i said i know that great guy is in there. he just has to see it in himself and want to be that. for himself, for me, and especially for clay!

so, fingers crossed!!! i hope i'm not setting myself up for disappointment again!!!

now, on to my regular nonsense post.............

with my old age i am becoming more impatient. i never really had much patience, but it is getting bad.

i am getting so frustrated about my house! my cousin never showed up today to finish the door that he started on thursday. i still have half my house with the siding ripped off! i want the shit done. 2nd week of november my ass!!! by christmas my ass!!!!!

and my soaps (don't roll your eyes!!), they are driving me insane. ok, these dumb ass plots they come up with.......they should only last about 2 weeks, a month at the most. longer than that, you are treading my last nerve!!!!!!

on one life to live.......it is bad enough that christian is back, what the fuck is his deal?!?!?! is he really christian, or is he someone that was made to look like christian?!?! and if that is the case, you should not have 2 people on the same show who has had a whole face/body plastic surgery to look like someone else!!! dumb! and speaking of the other one, the whole todd story line has really been going on waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay too long. i am so beyone pissed watching it. thankfully it is always on tape, so i forward through it. if i had to actually sit and watch it i would probably slit my wrists!!! why his ass couldn't have fought that bitch off before she shot him in the legs is beyond me! i'm not even going to write about it more, cause it just makes me more upset. back to the christian thing. i just want natalie with john. i cannot bear another time having to watch john kiss what's her name! i physically gag!!! again, thank god for the dvr! forward that bitch!!! as a matter of fact, i don't know what i do like about the show that keeps me watching. i hate the new todd. and his story line of course. i hate watching jessica and antonio (i just hate watching antonio act!!) i hate jennifer with riley. i hate the whole marcy/al whatever you call it. watching bo and nora do whatever with whoever, makes me ill as well. UGH!!!! why do i watch. that is right. to hopefully finally see john and natalie get together!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i still have more people....on guiding light. i hate the damn murder investigation. as soon as i saw philip get killed, which i had no clue was coming, i was like shit! now this is going to be forever!!!! just tell me what nobody killed the guy, cause you know it isn't going to be someone actually in the show, cause how can they go to jail for murder?! that is right, it is a soap, so who knows. ooooohhhh hoooooo.......my all time worse plot is this dumb ass shit going on in god knows what island with michelle, holly,tony, and sabastian. lord give me a break!. i can't even tell you know long this detestable plot has been going on, but definitely too long. i soooooooooooooooo don't care about any of those people there. i wish there would just be a volcano or something on that damn island so i could be done with it! i hate the whole michelle amnesia thing, tony just makes it worse!!!!! like sabastian thinks someone can just fly to africa and find michelle's dad, to hurry and bring him to him to magically cure him of whatever it is he has. yes, i don't know what he has, cause as soon as i see any of them i forward it on to the next scene!!

and that jb, jonathan thing. that fucker would be dead, if he did all that to my daughter. i don't care who's kid he is or what. nope, he would at least have no penis for the rest of his life! he is just goofy and pisses me off.

all the horseshit going on with edmund and the DA guy. what the hell. ok, kassie is going to be mad at edmund and call off the wedding because she finds out edmund hit him with a shovel and caused the fire at the barn. excuse me, but edmund killed her unborn child!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! if she has forgiven him for that why would she care what he did to jeffery?!?!? i know, i know it is a soap!!!!!!!!! thankfully tammy is finally getting over her little trist with jonathan. that was driving me batty too.

ok, enough about soaps........i watched that who's your daddy tonight. it really wasn't as bad as it sounded. well the premise of it is, but all turned out well.

i thought it was kind of fucked up that there were 7 guys trying to make this poor girl think that they were her real father for $100,000. but you know what......she signed up for it and so did the real father, so who am i to judge. bring on the reality tv!!!!!!!! i cried buckets!!! and i still have a headache. i thought it was so neat that she picked the right guy. i had him picked ever since the disco dance thing. talk about crying......when they brought the birth mother out, i almost lost my shit! i was loudly sobbing then!! but i am just a sap for anything like that. i thought it was kind of shitty to bring out her half sisters. i mean she just met her real father. don't remind her that he started a new life and had new kids and bring them in the mix. what was the point of that?!?!? she looked kind of put off by that as well. but lordy! was that a tear jerker. a GOOD thing about it. they did it all in ONE EPISODE!!!!! take a hint soaps!!!!!

extreme make over home had me leaking sunday as well. it was a repeat, but i missed that one. i didn't even watch any of it but the end and i was still crying my eyes out!!! i think bob was crying as well. that show is killer!!! i know you hear me say it all the time, but that is such a good, good, good show!!!!!!!!!!!!!

now what else i hate. when they cancel shows! especially shows that i love. i just found out today that tru calling was cancelled! how can they do that?!?!?! that had an AWESOME twist at the end of last season and now i want to know what the hell happened! how can they just leave you hanging!

also cancelled was the showtime series, dead like me. such a good show!! i haven't watched any this season, since bob wasn't into it, and they had it on the showtime in demand, i figured i could watch it whenever i got the chance. well i was looking for it on new year's eve. NOT THERE!!!!! it is cancelled and i didn't get to watch any of this season's!!!! i wondered if they even had an "ending" episode to wrap things up. at least with oz (BEST SHOW EVER ON TV!!!! well tied with american gothic, which was also cancelled mid season!!!) you knew it was ending so they sort of wrapped things up........not really, they just sort of killed everyone, but still....it had an ending and you knew it was the end!

i think these tv people just like to screw with my sanity!

on to my favorite subject........CLAY.

first, he is just so damn cute, but you all knew that...if not check out the photos to the left.......i don't know if i mentioned it amongst all my bitching on new years eve, he peed in the potty. we haven't really tried lately, and i haven't been forcing anything, but it is there, in the living room.

anyways, i just changed his diaper and he went over to the potty, then back to me and said "off" pulling at his clothes. i said you want to pee on the potty. he just said "off!!!" so he went over naked and sat on the potty. he pissed around, digging every single book out of his box (i have a box of books by the potty, just like in the real bathroom!) so he sat and sat and sat and sat, and read and read and read.........so finally i said either pee or i'm gonna put your diaper back on. he just continued on. i went in the kitchen, he soon followed and wanted a cookie, i told him he could have a cookie if he peed on the potty. we went back to the living room he sat down and a few seconds later he was clapping saying "yeah!!!" i do look...sure enough he peed in the potty! so much hoopla insued, and he got his cookie.

i was going to keep trying. but if he is on the potty he likes to be naked. and it is too chilly to let him run loose naked all day, so we haven't had a recurrence of that night. BUT tonight he came up to me like 3 or 4 times and said "pee" or something that made me realize he peed and wanted changes. for my kid to WANT to be changed is a majore thing!!! then twice he came to me with an uncomfortable look on his face and said "butt", so i changed him and sure enough he was poopy! so maybe he is finally realizing what it all is. i know that is one of the major steps in potty training. so maybe we are on our way.

sob....he is growing up soooooooo fast!!!!

well i wrote plenty to keep you all reading for a while, so i'll go now. just so you know, after last nights post, i sure didn't go to bed. somehow i ended up scrubbing the hell out of my shower and tub. WHY?!?! yes it was nasty and needed done, but why was i doing it at 2am?!?! guess i am just weird like that. well it is 2am now, and i need to get some sleep.

night all!