~1-3-04~ A bit better day

just so i don't leave you all hanging on the bad stuff i wrote......

today was ok. we got some of the painting done outside that needs done before siding. of course it started raining so we had to quit. it was somewhat of a nice day 50's, and soon to be back in the 30's. so i am glad we got some done.

then we went to the walmart's :) why can i not go in that store without spending over $200?!?! i went there for like 4 things! diapers, trash bags, baggies, tarps, milk?. and still ended up with 2 carts!!! i just love me some walmart! sorry trish! but i saw your mom there the last time i was there!!!

anyways........tonight, hubby came in with 2 glasses of champange, he bought it for us to toast in the new year with (as you know that didn't happen), so he made a toast to a better, new year...where he was a better husband and we had a better relationship. and also that he was sorry, and would not d anything to upset me again (even though i have heard that a million times). he apologized some more, promised some more, and we toasted.

i still have the resentment though. i just wrote him a 3 page letter. it is below, if you are curious(sorry i made it so small, but it took up WAY too much space normal size):

Bob,

If you don’t have time to read this before work, it is no big deal. You can read it later, when you can actually sit down, think, and absorb what I am saying.

I just want to try and explain to you my feelings. Or should I say, how I think and how I feel.

I really don’t know if I am going to be able to get over new year’s eve. Just for the fact that this is the umpteenth time you have done this to me. If it were the first, maybe. Even though the other times may have been a million years ago, when you do it again, it brings ALL those times back like it was just yesterday, and even worse, it is like they were ALL done at the SAME time.

That is what it is like in my brain. And the reason it hurts, is that it shows a total lack of respect for me. Which in turn shows a total lack or love. It hurts me to my soul to feel so totally unwanted, not worthy, and invisible…..like nothing!! Who wants to be made to feel that way by their husbands?! Like I said, this is NOT the first time….hell, not even the 10th time!

What this does is make me lose all faith, hope, and respect in YOU. That is why we don’t have sex a lot. I may still have some love for you as a person, but not as a man and definitely not as a husband. It takes me a long time to get over it and push those feelings aside. They are gone, but not forgotten. Then it seems just when I am starting to gain trust in you, and starting to love you again as a husband, you turn around and do something else to make me lose faith in you. Then it all starts over again.

This past time, I just felt like it was all over. I just don’t know if I have the mental strength to go through it all again. I build my hopes up, just to be disappointed again.

This sounds awful, but part of me was hoping that something bad happened to you on new year’s…hat way it wouldn’t have been your fault and you would not have let me down on purpose! How sad is it that I had those thoughts! You shouldn’t have thoughts like that about anyone, let alone your husband!! What kind of marriage do you have when you can not rely on or depend on your husband?!

All it takes is for you to do one thing, and like I said it brings back ALL the things you have EVER done to me to make me lose faith and respect in you. Sorry to say, but there is so much! That is why it takes so long to put it all, in my mind, back in the past. I don’t want to live in the past. I want to put all the bad and hurt behind us. But you do things that bring it all back to the present, and I have to deal with it all over again.

It is sad, but your “sorry’s” don’t work anymore. You have made that an empty word. It is getting to the point that whenever you say “I love you” I am beginning to think that is just out of habit, or something you think you should be saying. I just can’t see anyone who actually loves someone, would treat them the way you do me, or do the things you do to me.

Another sad thing, is that I don’t even think you realize what you have done, or what you do. I think once it is over and done with, you said you are sorry, and came up with some excuse or promise of not doing it again, all is forgiven. I remember once you saying to me and I quote “you will just have to get over it”. Like you can do whatever you want, and I have no choice but to deal with it. That sure is a shitty thing for you to say to someone. That to me means that you think you can do whatever you want, and I have no choice but to “get over it”. Like I am stuck, I’m not going anywhere, so you can do what you want and I have no say. What that does is make me feel like nothing! Hell, you even somewhat recently told me you didn’t love me and the only reason you were still with me was because of clay. You don’t say stuff like that just cause you are angry. There must be some truth to what you say…..you don’t just say stuff to hurt someone, and if you do, again I ask, what kind of love is that?!

And since I am treated that way, I don’t see how you can say you love me. And when that is in doubt I don’t see how you can want to make love to me. So what I think is that you are just horny, and want sex. Since I am your wife, and the only one you are allowed to have sex with, then it has to be me. I don’t feel like you want ME. It is just that I am your only option. That in itself also makes me not want to have sex. I don’t feel special. Most of the time I don’t even feel like your wife. I feel like your mother, or your baby sitter…..not even a friend, cause you don’t treat friends the way you treat me either!

Then there is clay. Maybe I could deal with all the things you do to me, but there is him. Maybe I could just pick up and leave, but there is him. I was actually thinking the other day about not waiting until august to start on another baby. I was even somewhat ok with it and kind of excited. Then you totally brought back all of the reason I was hesitant, and not wanting another one.

I have to look at what would be better for their life.

I am not saying that you are a bad father. Get that straight right now! There are just some serious concerns I have. They more or less break down to the concerns I have for you as a husband, not just as a father.

You really need to think before you do things. Just use your brain in general. I know you have heard that a million times, but it is one of my biggest concerns. You need to look at the big picture…look at what would/could happen in the future as a result of your actions. Think about the other people in your life, not just you.

The biggest is taking your medicine. Not only was that one of the promises that you made me to get a car, you made me the promise when I was pregnant!! I’m not telling you to take it for yourself, think of CLAY!! I don’t care if you haven’t had a seizure for 10 years without taking it, there IS ALWAYS A CHANCE!! Do you want to take that chance with someone you love?! Someone that you love that you could seriously hurt?! Not even physically, but what if you had to be off of work?!

If there is even the slightest of chances that you could hurt clay in ANY way, you should do all that you can in your power to make sure that it doesn’t happen. And for this point it is swallowing six pills a day! That is a pretty small thing to do to assume the safety and well being of your son!!!

And that shrink saying that I was holding you to too high of a standard of my father, or whatever…….my father was a good man. I would love for you to have some of the same attributes he had. He did things around the house that needed done. He did the manly things…….maybe since you didn’t have that growing up, you don’t know how to “pass it on”, but you know what those things are. You can do those things. Those are things you should want to pass on to your son, so he grows up to be a great man. You should be that man. The man he idolizes and wants to be just like. Not just stuff around the house, but every day life stuff.

You should not speak to me the way you do. Do you want him to talk to women like that?! Do you want him to treat others the way you treat me?! Do you want him to learn irresponsibility. Do you want him to grow up and not be able to support himself?! Do you want him to grow up not acknowledging the consequences of his actions?!

I know you may have not have had some of that growing up, or someone to show you and teach you that. But this is the time to make a better life for him. Make it so he has a better future and a better head on his shoulders. Make him the person that we are proud of, and be proud that we did such a wonderful job. I have to know that I am in the right kind of loving, safe, secure, nurturing envrioment to want to raise him and/or others.

Notice I said WE. I know I have faults and such too. The purpose of this letter was to let you know how I feel and what is going on in my brain. Maybe show you some of the hurt that you cause me.

I don’t not love you. If I didn’t love you, then I really wouldn’t care what you did or how you treated me. You wouldn’t be able to hurt me if I didn’t love you.

I just want to be able to love you, as a husband, trust in you, feel safe with you, respect you, and rely on you. All I want to feel the same from you.

I do know that it is going to take time. I am so hurt and always waiting for the next time. Every time we are going good for a while, I become anxious cause I know the bad is coming. It is a shame that I feel that way. I don’t want to be living in fear like that anymore. I just want to be happy, married to the man I love, and who loves me.

I want you to be the best husband in the world and the best father in the world!

I know in my heart you can be both, if YOU want to be.

now it is up to him. it just makes me sad, cause even though we have some bad times i really considered him a great husband and friend. that is why it hits me especially hard when he does stupid shit to hurt me. i get disappointed in him! i do love him. i hope he reads it and it really makes him think. not just think, but actually take it to heart and make the changes that need to be made to save our marriage and friendshit.

i've seen the loving, caring, giving, and thoughtful side of him, so i know it is there. i hope he comes back to me cause that is the man i love, married, and had a son with!

well, i am off to bed. they are supposed to come and finish my door tomorrow, and hopefully more on the house, which probably means NO nap time, so i should get my sleep tonight! haha! it could happen!!!!