~6-12-04~ SIGH

nothing new really here. just doing different techniques to get rid of fleas that i have found here on the internet.

my newest attempt is borax. i have already went through 3 boxes of the stuff on all of my carpet in all of the rooms. so far so good i guess. i also found out to my dismay, that the basement must be headquarters for the entire flea population in my house. as soon as you step off the bottom step, onto the floor, there are fleas covering your feet and legs!! so after freaking out, i poured a whole box of borax on the basement floor. i've been down there several times since and i sure don't see that the borax made a difference! i don't know if it takes a while, or if the stuff doesn't work on cement floors!!!!!!!!! so fuck!!! that is where my litter boxes are! so that means that everytime my cats went down there to go potty, they came back up loaded with fleas! so i moved the litter up on the landing. hopefully my dumb ass cat won't jump over the baby gate i put to block the steps. notice i said CAT, as singular, i don't know if i already wrote, but i cannot find MY cat!!!! i don't know what in the hell happened! i didn't see him get out! and i have called, offered food, everything and he is nowhere in this house. i've been out the past few nights and called for him, but nothing! am i a totally awful person, since i am not really all that upset?! i'm sure the more i think about it the more upset i will get..........i think right now the fleas just have my brain fried and anything that takes fleas away from the house and is not adding to, i am happy with, even if it means my baby is gone. he is my baby too. even though i bitch about him alot! last time he got out he was gone for about a week before he came back. he has got out twice in his life. i'm thinking the first time he was gone longer, i'm not sure. i just know he doesn't actually come back, well last time he didn't. i have to go out and call for him and wait for him to meow to me for me to go find him. he is weird i told you all that before!

ok, now i am watching unconventional births on discovery health. these women screaming are giving me the willies!!!!!!!!! i don't know who all reads this, and feel free to comment, but why would you want to go through all of that natural!!!! at one point i thought about having my next natural, this one practically was...and then watching this i was really thinking about the whole water birth thing....but then i see these women screeching in pain and you know what.......give me the damn epidural!!!!! why go through that if you don't have to?! and what is all the screaming about anyways?! the only time i even wanted to scream was when i was pushing, but that is because i thought my head was going to explode from "hold your breath and push...count to 10, do that 3 times!!!!" my head was killing me!!!!!!!!!

i don't know if we all had this discussion, or should i say if you had to suffer through my story telling of this...........

these women look miserable!!!! and i cannot bear their pain!!!! i also feel awful for those in there with them.....everyone looks so sad and helpless! in a way i want to go natural so i can "see" what all the screaming is about. i didn't even go to the doctor to "make sure i was in actual labor" til i was already dilated to 8!! by the time we made it to the hospital i was 9. i was no where near the pain these ladies are! i was upset cause i thought i was too far along to get an epidural. i don't know if they get worse after your water breaks?! these ladies water hasn't broken yet and they are killing me! to me it just felt like real bad gas pains and pressure. then again i have had some real bad gas pains in my day before this. maybe i was sort of prepared?! my actual contractions started around 9-10AM, but it was really no big deal. just little twinges every few minutes. heck i got up, packed my hospital bags, called my mom.....and debated what i should do. i didn't want to call bob, i had just talked to him, he was doing windows that day, and he just called to say they got there. i knew he should be home in a few hours. well of course THIS day traffic or something was ungodly and he ended up not getting home til almost 2PM!!! i was figuring out if i should eat or not. some say eat something light, others say not to eat at all. well, i was too nervous to eat, so all i did was smoke and drink caffeinated pop!!! 2 real great things to do, i know! then after bob finally did get home, then we sat and debated on what to do. i wasn't sure when you were supposed to go to the hospital. i tried to call my doctors but they were out to lunch til 1:30. so we finally decided to call them back and see what they said. and they wanted us to come there first to make sure it was the real thing. so we piddle pissed a bit. i didn't want to be one of those people who are forever in the hospital waiting and waiting. so we were really shocked when she told us to go DIRECTLY to the hospital NOW!!!! after she checked me is when the contractions started to get a little uncomfortable. we got to the hospital probably about 3:30 or so, i was at 9, got my epi, i was happy! at 4 they broke my water, at 4:20 i started pushing and at 5:20 clay was here! it sure didn't feel like an hour!!!! it all went real quick!! i was very lucky! my friend molly's water broke around 4PM i think, and she didn't have her baby til the next day around noon!!!!!! UGH!!!! i would have totally hated that!

i think i definitely will have the epidural again. i don't think the birth would have been bad, i just would NOT have like the catheter going in, the tearing, the stitches, cleaning out the uterus, and emptying my bladder! those sucked and i was numb, i couldn't imagine not being numb for that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! right there is enough for me to yell, EPIDURAL PLEASE!!!!! as a matter of fact that wasn't even as bad as i heard it was going to be. the only thing with that is when they were doing it, you couldn't move for like 30 seconds or something, and at that point i was having contraction one after the other, how are you not supposed to move!!! then again, when you know there is a need in your back that close to your spine, you know NOT to move!!!!

oh well.......why all this baby stuff! i should know better to watch those shows! half of me wants one now, half of me is like no way!!!! we decided to wait until next year after summer. we are going to take a family summer vacation, and then we will try it again. so that should work out, hopefully!!!!

on that pleasant note, i am off....bob should be home shortly!

night!