~10-13-05~ Response

this is in response to anon. thanks for reading and commenting.

i appreciate what you said, and i am fully aware that in most cases i AM being taken advantage of, but it is really MY OWN fault. i have this thing about telling people no. especially when i have no reason to, except that "i don't want to do something". and i KNOW that that is my right if i don't want to do something, but part of me feels that if i can, why not??

maybe i just like to moan and whine....i don't know. and another truth, i feel bad for these kids. i think that is another reason i put myself out there so much. i can give them some things they don't get at home. and it is really "inbred" in me.

when growing up my house, actually my dads house, was the house for everyone! neighbors, friends, someone needing something..... even when i was in high school my father had a jar full of suckers for neighborhood kids. children we didn't even know mind you! all day and evening long, these kids would come and knock at our door for suckers! at times it was VERY annoying to me, but at the same time i thought it was just a great character that my dad possessed. why he started and how it started but i don't know. but if we were low on suckers my dad had to make a special trip JUST for suckers. maybe a part of me feels like it is now my turn to sort of take over.

granted it is to a greater extreme than what my dad did.....well, not really.....i had a friend who lived with me for a while, her mom didn't give us money or anything and my dad fed and took care of her. and again, it is a bit of difference since she was my friend. but there is just something in me that wants to help where i am needed.

and these people do ask if i mind, and i always reply, "no problem....sure". so it really is my fault. a lot of days i can't wait to get out of here, but then it is like what if there are no kids or anything where we move....i am probably going to go insane with NOONE around. see, i think it is just me....i am insane!!

i think i am just not used to dealing with kids.....ALL girls at that! they are soooooooo different than boys! they really are entertaining at times. i think my stress level is elevated with all this house horseshit!

and you all will be proud to know that i did say NO to one request, actually a question. another little girl down the way comes over and plays too after school. when her mom came to get her the other day she asked if i babysit. it was a quick NO, i just watch these girls after school. i know the mom works til like 9-10 at night and there is NO WAY that is happening right now. night time is my peace time! and there was that way down deep part of me that wanted to say yes, cause i knew the lady was in need of a sitter, but i shut that part up real quick. plus bob would have shut it up if i would have said yes.

bob is the same way as me though too. guess that is why we mesh so well. i mean way before any of this, he let crazy neighbor lady borrow my car and we didn't even know her then!!!!! and on more than one occasion!!! but that all worked out fine, she is very appreciative. now that she is almost all moved out she has let me go through her stuff, and let me tell you it is like christmas for me!!! woo-hoo! me, misses pack rat was going nuts!!!! you should see the stuff i got though!

i got a couch, several (at least 4) end tables, a 3 piece dresser set with a large mirror, a nice wicker type couch, an old shelf thing, various knick knacks and odds and ends. there are still a few old tables that i want bob to get, and a filing cabinet. she has some nice wood blinds and some old rockers too that i may try and talk him into taking. we already had 2 truck loads!! we may take the fridge too. it is nice. they didn't open it after the electric was shut off and there is some nasty stuff growing in there, but it is a damn nice fridge!

i was loving it.....clay was too. i think he has inherited the love of going through other people's junk like i do. he was having a blast. he got some of those old little tupperwear kids cups....he played with those ALL last night. they are cups! he has cups! but these things were the best to him.

i will also admit that i got a diary written by the mother. i am sure it is wrong on some level, but she was letting the other stuff stay there for whoever won the house (sheriff's auction). so at least i got it and "know" them. i haven't been able to put it down. mostly cause it is just odd. it is from 1982. i wish i knew how old the mother is now, i am assuming 60's. so back in the 80's she had to be in her 40's. i just was curious to see if there were any signs of the alzheimer's then. granted i think it is weird that she kept a diary anyways, especially cause it is not very specific at all. it is one of those little ones, where there is only 1 day per the side of a page, not room at all. she would mostly just start about the weather, and who she talked to that day. not much else. but she was seeing someone. for 10 years! and he was married!!!! it broke my heart cause about every other day, she would write that she was ending it and this was the last time she was going to see him, and then 2 days later he was there, with a little heart at the top of the page. some other pages have some letters on top too, i am sooooooooo curious what that means, haven't been able to crack the code, i can probably guess what the heart stands for, i did that my own self, but then again i was like a teenager!!

so i sort of feel guilty, and another part of me just wants to stop cause what happens when it is over, then i am going to be wondering WHAT has happened! they whole things isn't filled in, so it isn't even a year. i just have sooooooooooooo many questions, but i don't want to ask abby and let her know i am reading her mom's damn diary!!!!

then i just get sad. i mean in 1982, this lady was living her life, happy at being a new grandmother, little did she know that less than 20 years later she would be stricken with this awful disease!! in one entry she talked about her hatred of hospitals. my eyes welled with tears know that now she is sentenced to one!

life.....so sad. so unpredictable! and i am whining about dealing with kids all day. i bet she would trade me for my life in a second. it really makes you think sometimes.

well now i just depressed myself!!!!! i have to think of something to end this on a positive note..........

guess i'll talk about tv for a few.

how about lost! i love it and i hate it. it is sooooo good, but it always leaves me saying, "what the fuck?!?!"

does everyone hate that italian family of the amazing race?? it can't just be me, cause god damn, those kids would be getting the back of my hand about 10 times an episode if that were me!!! i can't wait for them to go. and do you all find it more heart breaking this season when they are eliminated?? especially with the kids!!! lord that first family, i was in damn tears for those kids!!!!!

survivor. LOVE steph!!!!! i hope she starts winning immunity SOON!!!!!

next top model. i love that nik girl. i think she is soooooooooooooo pretty!! the girls all had really nice shots tonight. that coryn is getting on my nerves though. yeah, lisa can be annoying, but i don't think she is dogging on her, she is just telling her some stuff to help her. damn don't get so defensive!!

the apprentice looks to be very interesting this season. i can't stand those 2 girls that were getting the heat last week. i was pissed that donald didn't fire that stupid girl, but if he just went by the task then he did let the right girl go, she sucked at that task!

er.......LUCA!!! HOT!!!! all i need to say!

mondays SUCK!!! there is NOTHING ON!!!!!!

do ya'll watch that earl show. that is sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo damn funny! jamie presley has the BEST lines!! i wish i wrote them down from last episodes. the one i remember is when she was talking to earl about pawning his clock she say, well cigarettes don't grow on trees!! haha! she had a couple others that episode as well. GREAT show!!

desperate housewives, that show is a trip! didn't watch sunday's yet.

and extreme makeover.........still brings me to BUCKETS of tears! and guess what....they are about an hour away from me!!!! they just arrived at the house today. i told bob we may have to take a road trip over there this weekend, i don't think he will go for it though. he really doesn't want to see me drooling over ty! but come on. when i was pregnant i would lay in bed and watch that damn show all day and saturday night to see him. he is sooooooo damn cute!!!!! we will see....... i think it would be a fun experience. i know the best day would be a week from today, when the people get back to see there house, but that would be in 7 days, but i think it would be fun to go check it out, and he doesn't have to work saturday. sucks that we have so much to do here to our house! i want to go!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! it is funny....the first episode of this season they sent the family HERE to akron, about 1/2 hour away, to get the man his new leg and therapy. now they are back here again......hhhmmmmmmm. i would just love to meet them all! i like paige alot too. i saw her once on monster house and thought she was great then. and like i said, i fell for ty the first time i watched trading spaces.

well it is almost 2am....have to go check out the new house listing, then off to bed.

night all!!!!!