ok, damn it........why, why WHY do they have to make shows so flippin sad?!?! ER is the absolute worst!!! tonight was hideous! i am still sitting here sobbing, not just crying, sobbing......it is bad enough to see other people die, but why do they have to mess with babies?!?! i know it is real life, blah, blah, blah........well it would have been just a good of show if carter's baby didn't die!!!!! what the hell was that all about?! he was barely on that much this season anyways, so?!?!?!

as for the gun shots, the teaser for the finale, i think that sam's ex is going to go psych and try to shoot either her or luca. he seems creepy. oh well hell, we aren't going to find out what the hell actually happens til fall anyways!! well hopefully kerry will get her son back, to at least make up for tonight's awful show.

you know it wouldn't be bad if i could just watch these shows and leave it there, but noooooooo, it will stick with me, then i keep thinking what i would do if that were me..........so would i have been able to hold my stillborn son? i honestly don't think that i could! i can't even look at dead people that i know. i would not go up to see my grandma, and i didn't go and look at my father either. i just cannot. i don't deal with death well anyways, not that anyone deals well, but i just can't see those that i love that way. i remember an uncle (by marriage) of mine trying to pull me up to my grandmother, and i was throwing a fit, thankfully there were others there to help me. i thought that was just out of line. i don't think it is disrespectful. they know/knew i loved them. my father especially knew how i was and how i felt, so i am sure there were no hard feelings on his part. i just choose to remember my loved ones who pass, they way that they are in my memories. i cannot bear to have the site of them laying in a coffin burning an image in my brain like it surely would! my father was sudden, so i don't have many bad images. just after his first open heart surgery, they couldn't close him right away and my sister (half, don't really know her) made a big fuss and insisted that i HAVE to go see him just in case.....which he even told me afterwards that he didn't want to have me to see him like that. that is the image that i have through his whole "sickness".

my grandmother is another story. i was only 12, but i have very vivid images that i wish i did not. she had cancer. i really didn't even know what was happening at first. i don't even know how long everyone knew before i did. my mother didn't want to upset me and tell me. i happened to over hear her on the phone one night. i don't even know if she actually came out and ever told me. i remember going and seeing her in the hospital, she was real out of it and was talking crazy. that really, REALLY freaked me out. then when we went to see her before she came home she was perfect!!!! so i was happy. i knew she was coming home, but i don't think i knew she was coming home to die! my mom moved us in with them for the time. which in my opinion, i think was a very awful situation to put me in. i understand my mother wanted to be with her mother, i get that. i love her for that. she wanted to be there to help her father and be with her family. that show was a wonderful, thoughtful, loving mother i have. but i don't think it was right to have me there. to this day, i have never told me how awful that was for me.

i remember the first day she came home, i was soooooo excited to have her home. i ran in the house to tell her something. she couldn't even speak! she acknowledged me and i think she understood and tried to answer, but it was all jumble. i remember how the den was turned into a makeshift hospital room. hospital bed, all types of ivs and machines. my grandpa slept in there with her, on the couch. i remember that they had to bathe her, and had to roll her over to probably do bathroom stuff and what not. i just found it all horrifying!! that was not my grandmother in that room and in that bed!!! i hated coming home from school. i prayed everynight that she was going to get better. i don't know how long that all went on for.

i just know that god was looking out for me, or someone knew something that i did not, but for some reason i was at my dad's house working on a science project. it is weird because it was a school night, and i only went there on the weekends.....and now that i think of it, why wasn't he working.......anyways, then i got the call from my mother that grandma had passed away. that was pretty awful. i just remember running up to my room and crying. i hated having to go the next day and face everyone. i don't remember much, i just remember trying my HARDEST to NOT cry. i didn't want to upset everyone else, and i didn't want them to feel the need to comfort me, when their loss was greater than my own. i mean i only had 12 years with her, most of those before i could even remember. but my grandfather.......and my mother, had so many more years............and now that i have lost a parent i truly know the feeling. yet i feel a bit bitter, because my mom had so many more years with her mother than i did with my father.

i don't know which is preferable. long illness, sudden death. one you have time to prepare, say good bye, come to terms with, the other they are just gone..........i don't think i could have bared to see my father sick. or anyone else for that matter. i have so much respect for people who take care of their loved ones, they are so strong. and i just don't know if i have that in me. god willing that test of strength i will not have to endure. now i am getting myself crying again!! sorry, i don't know how this all turned sad! that is what ER does to me, i don't even know why i watch it!!

my whole point was just that i don't like to look at dead people. i choose to remember my loved ones the way i knew and loved them. as for a stillborn baby. i honestly don't think i could look or hold them. i don't know if i would regret that or not. some of you may think that this has no bearing or comparison, but when my dog harleigh got "sick" and i had to have her put to sleep, there is actually a part of me that now wishes i was there with her. i don't know if dogs have feelings........but in my mind it is a possibility. so having her there alone, for all that time, and then just gone and me not being there to comfort her. but i was weak. i couldn't do it. it didn't help that i was still going through the loss of my father, then i had to deal with the loss of her. 1996 was a very awful year to me. some of you may now be thinking i am crazy. but i get very attached to things. people and animals! harleigh was the equivalent to my baby. the only thing that gave and still gives me some sort of peace is that if there is a heaven, i am sure she is right there with my dad, she also missed him horribly after he passed away. it broke my heart to sit there and watch her sitting at the door waiting for him to come home. especially if she heard his car. she would sit there all happy, wagging her tail and all i could do was start crying and try to hold her and distract her.

ok, i have to stop, i am getting myself too upset here! damn damn ER!!!!!! i'll to write more on a different topic later.